Most people don't notice the thing that gets in the way when a wife really needs to lean on her husband but can’t.

It shows up when she wants a massage, or help putting the kids to bed.

She mentions it'd be nice if he did this or that, or maybe she just gives him a look, but he doesn't respond.

Or if he does do something, it's just a fraction of what she was hoping for.

A couple minutes rubbing her shoulder when her whole body is aching.

One 5-minute story, and then he leaves her to stay with the kids for an hour until they fall asleep.

So she ends up feeling like she's not allowed to ask for any help at all.

And she starts to wonder, does he even care what I need?

Little kids are the opposite of this.

My wife and I started a small school for our daughter, so I'm around a lot more five- and six-year-olds these days, and it's surprising how direct they are.

When they're hungry, they say, "I'm hungry, can you get me some food?"

When they're done with something, "I'm bored, I want to do something else."

They do NOT beat around the bush.

They say what they need and then make a request in the same breath. 

It kinda sounds rude to adult ears.

Because that's not how many adults talk.

We learn to be careful with our words because they can frustrate and hurt other people. So we ask very, very politely, or we don't ask at all.

Either way, we end up hoping that the other person takes the hint and figures out everything we didn’t say.

And that goes double for a wife who's always thinking of everyone else before herself.

It's a little different for men.

A lot of guys never learn that lesson. If anything they learn a completely different one, that saying exactly what you want is how a man is supposed to act.

So he asks for things straight out: dinner, a golf trip, or a romantic night together.

And because that's how he talks, he assumes his wife talks the same way. 

He expects her to ask the way a man would, when everything she’s learned has taught her to do it the opposite way.

That’s why he takes what she says at face value and misses out on the subtext.

When she hints at something, most of the time it doesn’t sound like a request.

And when she does ask him straight out, "Can you rub my shoulders?" he’ll do that for a couple of minutes, and then stop.

Because as far as he understands it, he did exactly what she asked him to do.

He misses everything she didn’t say out loud. 

That she's worn down and she wants to feel taken care of. Not just have her shoulders pawed at for two minutes.

This kind of misunderstanding makes it look like he doesn't care about her and what she wants, even when that’s not true.

That's how you get two people both waiting for the other one to be more direct… and both of them getting more and more frustrated because neither one of them knows what the hold up is.

If you've ever sat there thinking, Why is it so hard to get through to my husband? it might help to know that this is just a genuinely hard thing to do.

Because asking him for something means trying to be clear and firm about what you need, which is already really hard to do when you're used to thinking about everyone else's needs first.

And on top of that, you're also trying to respect his feelings and honor what he's dealing with.

So when it's hard to ask for something, that's not a sign you're failing, or that you're messing something up, or that there's something wrong with your marriage.

Being honest and respectful at the same time is one of the harder things to do in a relationship, and it's a big reason couples end up working with someone like me.

Here's what I hope you take from this.

Underneath all our stress and responsibilities, we're still like five-year-olds.

We have things we feel and things we need.

Someone to hold us when we're upset, and someone to be there when we're hurting.

That doesn't go away when we have families and packed schedules.

And it’s every bit as true for him as it is for you.

So when he doesn't respond the way you hoped, it usually isn't because he stopped caring about what you need.

And it's not really about you asking "wrong" either.

This is what happens when two people learn very different ways to say what they need, and then struggle to get on the same page.

And just recognizing that fact is an important step in making it feel less scary and confusing.