Getting past a betrayal is one of the hardest things a marriage can go through.

Even when a couple decides to stay together, things don’t just get better on their own.

That’s true whether it was an affair, messages he tried to hide, money he lied about, or something he was doing online that he kept from his wife.

Months can go by where he’s home more often, being more patient, and clearly trying.

But when she asks, “Can we talk about what happened?” it never seems like a good time.

Or he says, “We already talked about this, and I said I’m sorry. Can we just move on?”

So she goes to bed wondering, How are we supposed to move past this if we can’t even talk about it?

If this sounds familiar, it’s easy to see his avoidance as a sign that it isn’t a big deal to him, or that he’s hiding something else.

Let me be clear: wanting to talk about his betrayal is completely fair. And him not wanting to talk about it is not your fault.

Usually something else is going on inside him that makes this feel harder than it should.

When you tell him, “I’m still hurting, and I need you to understand how much you hurt me,” he almost certainly knows he hurt you.

That’s why he said he was sorry, and in his mind there’s nothing left for him to explain or defend.

All that’s left is the shame of being a man who hurt his own family.

I know how this feels on a smaller scale. When I’ve been cold or harsh with my wife, just looking at her can remind me of what I did.

That’s what makes this so hard for him. Even on a good day, being close to you can bring all that shame right back to the surface.

Talking about what he did, or even thinking about it, feels like stepping on hot coals.

Every time he imagines bringing it up, it’s like putting his hand back into a flame. It feels like reliving the worst thing he’s ever done, over and over again with no end in sight.

He really can’t see any path through that pain.

If you asked him what moving on means, he’d probably say not talking or thinking about what he did, and letting time push it far enough into the rearview mirror that it stops affecting anyone.

Of course, that’s not how it works, but that’s how a lot of men think it does.

None of that makes his avoidance okay, or means that you should stop asking to talk about it. His shame is real, and so is your need to understand what happened.

Underneath it all, you’re both asking the same question: “Do you understand what I’m going through?”

But you’re trying to approach it in different ways.

He thinks you’ll both feel safe once you stop bringing it up.

You know you’ll only feel safe once you bring everything out into the open and finally understand each other.

So you end up stuck in a standoff. And he can push back so hard that it looks like he’s hiding something, even if he isn’t.

A lot of couples in this spot fall into all-or-nothing thinking.

For him, it’s “We can’t talk about it at all.” For you, it might be “We have to talk about everything.”

Progress usually starts somewhere in the middle, with a conversation about one piece of the whole thing.

Once that conversation passes without blowing up, the next one feels a little less like hot coals.

Then they tend to get easier, until you understand each other well enough that moving on starts to feel possible.

Nothing about this is a neat and tidy process.

Because any kind of betrayal is going to leave a scar.

But once you reach some level of understanding again, you can start rebuilding trust.

And trust is what allows you both to feel safe enough to open up to each other and rely on each other again.

WAYS I CAN HELP

One-on-one coaching: I work with a small number of women at a time. Together we figure out what's driving your husband, what you want, and what you can do that will actually make a difference. Learn more about working with me

Know someone who needs this? Forward this email to a friend. It's free, and it might give her the answers she's looking for.