I used to go on podcasts to talk about relationships.

And a lot of hosts would get nervous when I talked about how healthy it is for couples to disagree.

They’d actually push back and say, "Oh no, I'm good with my husband. We don't argue, we're good."

As if arguing and disagreeing is a bad thing.

I'm not too surprised, because many years ago I used to believe the same thing.

That healthy couples didn't fight.

After my wife and I bought a house, we argued about a lot of decisions: which alarm system to get, what size TV would fit our room, and what kind of shower curtains to put in the guest bathroom.

And I didn’t like how that felt.

So I stopped talking.

That was my solution to the arguing.

We would walk past each other in the hallway and not really say anything.

Because if we weren’t willing to argue, there was almost nothing to say.

And it made things far worse.

I often felt cold and angry, and our home felt empty even though we kept adding furniture.

If you've ever had that empty feeling too, then you already know something is missing, even if your husband says things are “fine.”

The truth is that a lot of husbands are where I was.

They think that if you're not arguing, things really are fine.

Because to them, any disagreement looks like the start of a fight, and nothing good ever seems to come from those.

So your husband is going to do everything he can to avoid disagreeing with you.

He'll clam up, and try not to say anything.

In his mind, that's how he protects your marriage.

The same way I did with my wife.

And it's not only husbands who do this.

I once worked with a client who felt like a failure if she ever disagreed with someone, whether it was her fiancé or a family member.

Based on everything she had learned, the whole point of a conversation was to agree with each other and get along.

But say a couple wants to have a fun night out, and they have different definitions of fun (as most people do).

One of them wants to go to karaoke, and the other wants to go to a movie.

They can get along and not argue, and one or both of them ends up disappointed.

Or they can disagree. They tell each other, "No, that's not what I want to do."

They're honest about what they feel and what they want.

And that makes it possible to come up with some other plan.

"We'll do karaoke tonight and the movie next week."

Or she goes to karaoke with her friends and he goes to the movie with his.

There are a lot of possible answers, but you only get to them if the disagreement is part of the conversation instead of the end of it.

Making that switch is not easy.

It’s probably going to feel like a mistake at first.

When my wife and I disagree about something these days, I still feel a small flash of panic that we'll get stuck in an argument.

But then I remember that as long as we keep talking, we're bound to figure something out.