Why husbands choose work over their wives

A lot of wives say this about a husband who works a lot:

“It feels like I’m raising our kids and holding our marriage together, while he’s off doing his own thing.”

He says he wants to help, but she’s the one managing the kids, meals, house, and a list of responsibilities a mile long. 

Meanwhile, his job seems to be the only thing on his plate.

It’s a painful and confusing place to be for many wives.

And if you’ve been there, you almost can’t help but wonder, Are we really partners anymore, or is it just me keeping everything afloat?

Most women in this spot try to bite their tongue and be a “better” wife and mother. 

This makes sense, but it also hurts. 

Because the closeness you used to feel (before the kids, mortgage, and endless to-do lists) can feel like it’s slipping away.

Why he works so much

Here’s what I’ve seen again and again when husbands spend more time at work: They’re usually not running away from responsibility. 

They’re running toward it.

Because some men believe that bringing home the biggest paycheck possible is the best way to care for their wife and family. 

If you could read their thoughts, it might sound like,“If I can earn more, we can remodel the kitchen, go somewhere nice this summer, and get braces for the kids.”

Men who think like this fit into what I call the ”builder” archetype. 

Their own fathers were likely builders.

So they developed the instinct to show their love through action and service. 

Things like throwing themselves at work, or keeping the car spotless.

By the way, I’m not trying to justify this behavior or how it’s made you feel. 

I’m explaining this because understanding your husband’s intentions is a key step toward feeling like a team again.

Why he doesn’t do what you need

The challenge with many builders is that they’re wired to contribute in ways that often leave their wives feeling disconnected.

For example, builders usually aren’t great at talking about feelings (I guess that’s true of most men).

He often struggles to make his wife feel like he truly “gets” her and has her back.

Which is often exactly what she’s looking for.

And to make things more complicated, many husbands in this position will say they’re the ones who don’t feel appreciated. 

But showing him appreciation can feel like yet another thing you have to do when you’re already fried.

One way to feel like you’re not doing it all alone

Here’s what can help in this situation.

It doesn’t sound like much, but it makes a difference.

Be intentional about how you think about your husband. 

Instead of focusing on all the things he isn’t doing, try to notice what he is doing. 

If his late nights at work seem like he’s been avoiding you…

Can you imagine that it’s his way of supporting you?

When you recognize the intentions behind his actions, two things happen:

1. You feel less alone.

2. He feels more appreciated. 

The result is that you’ll both feel closer.

And it becomes much, much easier to open up to each other.

Because now you’re talking from the same side of the table, instead of facing each other from opposite sides.

So the next time you’re feeling distant from your husband, ask yourself, How is he trying to show his love to me, even if it’s not the way I expect?

This might feel like I’m putting more work on your plate.

But I promise it can actually take weight off your shoulders.

Because when you can recognize that you’re not doing everything alone (even if it sometimes feels that way), you’ll start to feel more like partners again.