Get more emotional support from your husband

This is a challenge I see sometimes with women married to “concrete thinkers”...

AKA men who are great in black-and-white situations but not so good with feelings.

He’ll mow the lawn, fix the sink, and take care of the bills. Basically he’s a champ when it comes to pitching in and providing for your family.

But when you get bad news and turn to him for understanding and compassion… he’s completely in the dark. 

He tries his best, but most of the time you end up walking away feeling disconnected.

Because what you need in those moments isn’t a fix. 

It’s emotional security that comes from a caring presence saying, “I see what you’re going through and I’m right here with you.”

When that’s missing, it’s like your husband doesn’t really understand you. 

You might even wonder if he’s capable of understanding you.

Here’s the truth: Emotional support doesn’t come naturally to everyone… 

But it is a skill. Which means your husband can get better at it.

Let’s be real: He’s not going to magically transform into a master listener overnight. 

But there are ways to nudge him in the right direction.

So pretty quickly he can become someone who “gets” you enough that you don’t feel alone anymore when you’re struggling.

11 ways to get more emotional support from a husband who isn’t good with feelings

1. Suggest simple actions

Take the scary guesswork out of emotional situations for him with specific instructions on what he can do that’ll help you feel supported, like sitting with you or rubbing your back.

You could say, “When I’m upset, it would mean a lot if you could sit close to me and hold my hand for a few minutes.”

2. Remind him what you don’t need

For someone who’s not good with feelings, clearly explaining what you don’t need can be a relief and help him understand what’ll help instead.

“Thank you, but I don’t need a solution right now. Can you just stay with me while I feel my way through this?”

3. Tell him what to say

Getting empathy from your husband feels good even when you tell him what to say.

Try this, “When I share what’s bothering me, saying, 'That sounds really hard,’ would help me feel like you're on my side.”

4. Use a code word

Come up with a phrase together that means “I need you to listen, not fix something.” Use offbeat codes like “umbrella mode” or “flamingo alert” to help break the tension.

5. Practice in low-stakes moments

Ask, “Can we practice what you might say if I was upset?” 

If he’s up for it, ask if he’ll practice while you share small annoyances that pop up in a normal day. This way he’ll be ready to spring into action when you really need him.

6. Explain why it matters

“When you sit with me like this, I feel so close to you. Thank you for helping me feel safer.” 

Describing how you feel helps him see exactly how much he’s doing for you so he’ll be more willing to do it again.

7. Plan ahead when you’re both calm

Get on the same page before you need to rely on him.

Say, “I know emotional stuff is confusing. Can we talk about what you could do to help me when I’m struggling so you don’t have to guess?”

8. Try asking, “Have you ever felt this way?”

One way you can help him understand how you feel is to ask him if he’s ever gone through something similar. Remembering his own experiences will let him talk about what you’re going through in a way that can feel less scary to him.

9. Model how he can listen

Only try this one if he’s willing to go the extra mile. Give him instructions on effective listening: “After I share something, can you tell me what you heard me say? I want to make sure I explained it right.”

If he doesn’t repeat what you meant to say, let him know so he can try again. This way you’ll feel like he’s “getting” you, and he’ll learn the secret recipe to giving empathy.

10. Let him know when he gets it right

Tell him when he helps, even when it’s the tiniest bit: “That felt really good when you gave me a hug. Thank you. I feel like we’re in this together.” 

This helps him build confidence in a place where he doesn’t have his footing.

11. Fill your cup outside the marriage too

In a perfect world, your husband would give you all the emotional support you need. But realistically everyone needs support from more than one person. 

So build a circle of people who help you feel understood and supported. They could be relatives, friends, therapists, coaches, or anyone else you trust. They’re not meant to replace your husband, but to fill in the gaps of what he can do for you.

Even if your husband isn’t great with feelings, he can learn to give more emotional support.

Start with one of these nudges and see how he responds. 

Progress might look like him holding your hand or listening for a few minutes instead of walking off in frustration.

Stick with it and try adding more nudges from this list when you can.

Eventually you’ll notice that he’s becoming someone who helps you feel safe and seen when things feel hard.