When couples aren’t on the same page, counseling often looks like the answer.

And for many couples, it does help.

In the counselor’s office, a husband starts talking about his feelings in a way his wife hasn’t heard in years.

He talks about how frustrated he is with his job, and how worried he is about money, and how much he cares about providing for his family.

So she feels hopeful again on the drive home. After all, maybe he’s finally learning how to express himself.

Then the sessions end for one reason or another.

Maybe their schedules got too busy, or money got a little tight.

And all the progress they made seems to end with the appointments.

A few weeks later, they’re in the kitchen and she asks him how he’s feeling about work and money.

And instead of opening up again, his face goes blank and he goes back to saying things like: “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

So she’s left wondering why things felt so different in counseling.

Can he only open up when someone else is in the room to walk him through it? Do they have to stay in counseling forever if they want to be able to talk about the things that matter?

If you’ve ever wondered about that too, then you might also have worried that your husband was just performing for the counselor.

Or that it was the counselor who brought all those feelings out of him, and your husband isn’t capable of talking about them on his own.

It’s like the moment you stop going to counseling, boom! – he’s back to being a pumpkin who can’t talk about his feelings.

All of those things are possible.

But what’s more likely is that what your husband said in the counselor’s office was true. He probably wasn’t putting on a show.

And whatever he was able to do with a counselor, he also has it in him to do at home with you. The fact that he did it at all is proof that he’s capable of it.

My wife and I saw a counselor before we got married.

I remember being a little nervous, but I was open about my hopes and my fears, because I trusted that what I was sharing was going to be used to bring us closer together and not pull us apart.

I wasn’t worried about my words getting twisted around or used against me.

For a lot of husbands, that worry is always there.

Outside the counselor’s office, nobody’s making that promise.

All couples go through hard times where they say things that hurt each other.

So part of your husband is going to guard himself. And he does that by holding back anything that might be used against him, even if that’s never going to happen.

That fear is still there, because even if it didn’t happen between you, it might’ve happened in an earlier relationship, or he watched it happen between his parents.

And a part of you might already understand what your husband is going through.

In a counselor’s office, you could be honest about your frustrations, because someone was there to make sure your message got across.

At home, there aren’t any bowling alley bumpers to keep one wrong word from turning into a whole different conversation.

That can make it seem like counselors really are the only way for couples to get on the same page.

But counselors don’t have magic words or a magic office that makes husbands open up.

What makes them effective is their ability to build trust that what you say will help bring you both closer.

That kind of trust can be built at home too, regardless of where your marriage is right now.

And the more trust there is, the less often you’ll hear things like, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”