Apologies are medicine for a marriage.

When they're weak and half-hearted, they're no better than a band-aid: "I'm sorry you feel that way."

They can't heal anything.

But ones that take responsibility and show he understands can make a marriage feel better than new.

And yet most husbands aren't very good at apologies, and I'm going to tell you why.

It came up a few days ago when I was talking to a husband who lost his temper at his wife because she used his expensive tennis racket to prop open a window.

Before he could think, he snapped: "What are you doing?"

He apologized afterward, but she kept bringing it up, and he got frustrated.

Then they argued over who was to blame, him for yelling or her for the racket.

Nobody wins that argument.

And it shows why apologies are so hard, especially for men.

Because there are reasons for everyone’s actions.

He had an important and stressful meeting coming up when he saw the racket, so he was already on edge.

Then he overreacted, plain and simple.

And afterward his wife probably kept bringing it up because she wanted him to understand how it affected her, how scared and hurt she felt when he yelled at her.

All perfectly reasonable and understandable.

And yet the husband couldn't quite bring himself to give a heartfelt apology.

"Why can't we just move on?" he asked me.

He'd been working on his temper for years, and he'd made a ton of progress.

So he felt ashamed that he lost his cool after working so hard on being more patient.

His shame made it hard to take responsibility.

That's what shame does.

It tells us it's unfair for one mistake to get singled out when we've been trying so hard to be good.

It's like getting a 98% on a test, but everyone makes fun of the one problem you got wrong.

If you've wanted your husband to take responsibility, this will sound familiar.

He'll give half an apology, like, "I didn't mean it like that."

Most husbands aren't trying to weasel out of it.

He wants his wife to understand what he intended: that he didn't want to hurt her, and that he loves her.

I know this because I do it too.

A few days ago I said something that hurt my wife.

I apologized, and then I asked her, "Can I give you context?"

"I don't want your context,” she said.

And the second she said that, I realized that I was making a second mistake.

My wife needed me to understand how much I'd hurt her.

Me trying to explain myself showed that I wasn’t willing to take responsibility.

That's what has to happen for couples to move on.

When one of us messes up, as we're bound to do, we have to take responsibility for what we did, regardless of our intentions.

That's hard for a lot of husbands, because we're afraid that if we can't explain ourselves, apologizing is like admitting that we're not good enough.

That our wives shouldn't trust us anymore.

But there's no bad guy in these arguments.

Not with the racket, and not with me and my wife.

We're just people who want to be understood, even when we've messed up.

But when you're the one who got hurt, you don't need his intentions.

You need him to take responsibility, to tell you he sees how much he hurt you, and that he wants to do better.

When he can do that, there’s no reason to rehash an argument or figure out who’s to blame.

There’s enough healing to move on.

And that's the medicine of a good apology.