Sometimes a wife ends up playing whack-a-mole with her husband.

Because he loses his temper with the kids; he's on his phone when she needs help around the house; and he gives the silent treatment when he's upset.

One of those things she could handle, but all of them at once is overwhelming because her plate was already full to begin with between the house, the kids, and her job.

And while each thing her husband does looks like its own separate problem, they all fall under one umbrella:

She never knows what to expect from him.

So she has to manage him the way she manages everything else.

By staying on guard about what she says and what she asks from him. 

Because she knows that at any moment he could get annoyed and snap at the kids, or shut down for the rest of the night.

If this resembles your marriage, then I have a solution for you but it’s going to sound strange.

Because the answer is to build a boring marriage.

I know what you’re thinking: 

Who wants the most important relationship of their life to be boring?

But boring things are predictable.

Like knowing when he's up for doing more around the house. 

And when he's upset, you both know what to do to help him bounce back.

A predictable marriage is a reliable one. 

And a reliable marriage is one you don't have to stress about nonstop.

It's like traffic laws.

Nobody likes stopping at a red light.

But because almost everyone does, you can get in a car and drive anywhere you want without thinking twice.

That's what a boring marriage gives you.

Once you can trust it, you get to focus on your kids, your friends, and the things you actually want to enjoy.

Which is kind of the whole point of being married.

A while back I wrote about the four walls that hold a marriage together: self-regulation, mutual agreements, play, and independence.

Boring marriages don’t always have all four walls in perfect shape.

They feel more stable than other marriages because they can reliably repair whichever walls are wobbly.

When wives feel like they’re facing a bunch of issues with their husbands, what’s actually happening is one or more walls are coming loose.

For example, a husband giving the silent treatment is a self-regulation gap. 

He gets flooded and the only thing he knows how to do is shut down until it passes.

Him losing his temper with the kids is two unsteady walls. 

His own self-regulation, plus the agreement you two need to make about what he does when he runs out of patience.

When those same few walls keep getting unsteady, it starts to feel like whack-a-mole.

Most wives quickly see the value in a boring marriage: A husband who gets me and actually has my back? Sign me up!

The part that surprises them is that husbands usually want the same thing.

I've talked with a lot of men who also feel worn out when their marriage feels chaotic.

They wish they could understand what their wife needs, and they want to be understood back without it turning into a fight.

One husband told me he didn't want his marriage to feel like a “burden” anymore.

He never stopped wanting to be with his wife, but he was tired of feeling like he always had to stay prepared to defend himself in the next fight.

When husbands and wives are working on different walls, it can look like he doesn’t care about the same things you do.

But in a boring marriage, couples know how to work on the same walls together.

When things get predictable like this, you stop fighting fires all day, and he stops tensing for the next fight.

And for the first time in a long time, your marriage isn't the biggest thing on your mind all day.

That's what boring gives you. 

The same way you can drive wherever you want without thinking about traffic laws… 

You can start living the life you’ve always wanted without fixating on your marriage.

You make it to more yoga classes. You go after the big promotion. You finally plan the trip you both talked about for years.

Your marriage stops taking everything you've got, and starts giving you the freedom to do more with your life.