I used to joke with an old therapist that the only thing I had to worry about was getting through the week, because the next one would be easier.

Then we'd laugh because I said that every week.

Because there's always something to get through.

And when things feel extra rough, your marriage is either giving you strength to get through the week…

Or it's sapping it.

Relationships are like a house.

They need four walls to be sturdy.

Take one away and the whole thing starts to wobble.

It might hold up for a while, but it won’t take much pressure to make it feel unsteady.

In my experience, there are four things that couples need to bring to their marriage to make sure it's standing strong when life gets hard.

When one element has been missing long enough, that's when it starts to feel like things are coming apart.

The first element is self-regulation, and it's probably the most misunderstood.

Most people think it means staying calm.

But everyone loses their cool sometimes.

What's far more important is being able to catch yourself after you've already said the mean thing or made the face.

A lot of couples will move on like it didn’t happen. 

But to actually move on, couples have to take responsibility, apologize, and commit to making a change.

The couples who do this well can snap at each other sometimes and still get back to feeling close.

Making mutual agreements is the second part of the foundation, and it's not the same as compromising.

Compromise means both people give up something they care about.

But an agreement is something you both choose.

You walk away feeling like you decided something together, instead of trading something away.

It might sound like semantics, but it's the reason some couples always feel like a team and others feel like only one of them can get what they want.

The third wall is play, and it's usually the first thing couples wave goodbye to when life gets hectic.

Because it starts to feel optional when there are a dozen plates to keep in the air.

But having a sense of play is what keeps couples smiling and feeling at ease together.

That's what keeps life from feeling like an overwhelming grind.

Independence is the last one.

That means having your own interests and people outside of your marriage. 

Without it, your well-being completely relies on your partner and vice versa.

And that's too much pressure and responsibility for any one person.

Regularly having experiences outside of your relationship is like installing release valves in your marriage.

After reading this list, it might feel like you're the only one paying attention to any of this stuff while your husband won't lift a finger.

Most of the time, that's not the full picture.

A lot of husbands naturally bring play and independence to a relationship.

But if they're not focused on the same elements as you, it looks like they're not doing anything.

Meanwhile a lot of husbands are thinking the reverse: Why won't she have fun with me?

Recognizing that you’re both working on different walls in the same house can help you feel like you're not doing it all on your own.

Because there will always be tough times when it feels like the week will never end. 

And those times feel a lot different when your marriage is the thing holding you up, instead of being one more thing that you’re trying to hold together.

P.S. Which of these four pillars (self-regulation, mutual agreements, play, independence) feels hardest for you right now?

If you don't mind sharing, I'd really like to know.