What to do when your husband always talks down to you

Being on the receiving end of constant putdowns, sarcasm, or condescending comments from your husband can wear you down… especially if you remember how much kinder he used to be.

Over time this can lead to feeling completely disconnected from each other.

Not to mention feeling scared and desperate at the idea of living the rest of your life facing a barrage of putdowns.

If this sounds familiar, it’s pretty normal to only see two paths forward:

• Put up with the rudeness because “this is just how he is”

• Give up and leave

I don’t know anyone who’s excited about either of these two options, but if you’ve tried to get him to change a bunch of times and it didn’t stick…

It’s normal to come back to those two choices.

But the reality is that you can change how your husband treats you without giving up or blowing up your marriage.

Because you deserve to be treated with respect.

And you shouldn’t have to put up with any words or behavior that regularly hurts or scares you.

With that being said, if you ever feel unsafe, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org.

And if you’re ready to change how you feel in your relationship, here’s what you can do.

Pick one or two strategies from this list and try them out for a week. See how they feel. 

If they help, great. And if you don’t see the changes you want, think about adding another one.

6 ways to respond to disrespect with more confidence and self-respect

1. Give yourself permission to rock the boat

You can speak up for yourself when something hurts, even if it feels uncomfortable. Reminding yourself, “I deserve to be treated with respect,” can be powerful, especially if you’re used to keeping the peace at all costs.

2. Prepare for hard moments before they happen

If your husband often says hurtful things, you may find yourself reacting before you realize it. Thinking through how you want to respond ahead of time, or reminding yourself why he might act this way, can help you feel steadier and more in control when it happens again.

3. Set a boundary in the moment

Let your husband know what kind of words you won’t accept. You can say, “I need you to use a more respectful tone when you’re talking to me,” or “I’m not going to talk with you if you’re not going to let me finish speaking.” 

Let him know what you’ll do if things don’t change, like ending the conversation or leaving the room. He’ll learn that you’re serious when you follow through.

4. When things are calm, talk about changing how you speak to each other

When you’re both feeling calm, start a conversation about how you speak to each other. It often helps to describe your experience and share what you’d like to work toward:

“I want us to be able to talk to each other without either of us feeling sad or hurt. For example, when you interrupt me, it feels like you don’t care about what I have to say. Can we try doing things differently next time?”

5. Suggest a do-over when something hurts

Sometimes your husband might not realize how much his words hurt. You can give him another chance to be kinder by saying, “Can you please say that again more kindly?” 

This opens the door for him to be more respectful without you having to get into a shouting match.

6. Talk to someone you trust or a professional who can support you

Constant sarcasm and disrespect can leave you feeling alone and confused about what to do. Talking to someone you trust, like a therapist, friend, or a coach, can help you make sense of everything you’re going through and figure out what steps you can take to feel stronger, safer, and more supported.

Start with one or two of these strategies and see what changes.

You might notice one or two apologies pop up out of him, or maybe you start feeling more confident about sharing how you feel. These small changes are the start of a bigger shift in your relationship.

Keep using what works, and come back to this list anytime you need more support.

Because the more you practice these strategies, the more clearly you’ll show with your words and actions that respect isn’t optional.