When couples drift apart, there’s usually a simple reason behind it.

But it’s hard to see when it first happens.

The drift often starts after a really tough time.

Especially one that rattles the husband.

Maybe he had a health scare, lost a parent, or he retired (and lost his career in a sense).

Months and sometimes years go by, and he seems to be doing okay.

Then one night they’re on the couch with the TV on, and they’re both scrolling on their phones instead of talking.

She looks at him and she can’t remember the last time she asked him to do anything.

This whole time she’s been doing the laundry, paying the bills, and everything else.

Because the smallest things seemed like too much for him.

And they barely touch anymore either.

So even though she’s sitting right next to him, she feels completely alone.

If this sounds familiar, it’s easy to think, “We’ve just drifted apart. Maybe the spark is gone and he doesn’t care about me the way he used to.”

But this distance began for a simple reason that makes total sense.

You love him.

When he was barely able to get up in the morning, you wanted to take care of him the way you promised you would when you got married.

So you did more and asked for less from him.

But this went on for so long that you had to start wondering: When is he going to snap out of it? When is he going to take care of me?

In my experience, everything looks different from his point of view.

Several years ago, I was feeling pretty good. Then out of nowhere I got one of the scariest diagnoses you can get.

I was in surgery before I knew it.

And afterward, I felt so different that I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror.

I went from bringing in every grocery bag in one trip to needing help to get out of bed.

And I was terrified in a way I’d never felt before.

If I could feel completely healthy and then go through something like that, then anything could happen at any time.

It’s like almost getting into a bad car accident.

You’re not just afraid of driving on the same road. You’re afraid of being behind the wheel.

So how can you smile and make plans with your wife when you’re scared about everything?

I was physically back to normal after a few months.

But I still felt like I had to be on guard.

And the same thing happens to a lot of husbands after a layoff, a parent’s death, or even retirement.

Even if he looks fine, he might not be okay on the inside.

Because when his guard is up, he’s focused on everything that could go wrong.

And that doesn’t leave much room for him to think about what you’re going through.

So it’s understandable that you’d get worried too: “He doesn’t want me. He’s not the same person anymore. Maybe he’s always been like this.”

That’s what makes this so heartbreaking.

He’s waiting to feel safe again before he lets his guard down. You’re waiting to feel safe again before you ask him for anything.

And most of the time, neither of you knows that the other person is waiting too.

When one of you is going through a hard time, the path of least resistance is to ask less and less of each other. 

Until the distance starts to feel normal.

My wife and I have gone through this too.

Even now, when I get blood test results that aren’t perfect, I still get scared and instinctively put up walls.

But we’ve worked on it enough that we can tell when it’s happening, and we know how to bring those walls down together.

It took time, but I believe almost any couple can learn to do it.

A hard season like this changes both of you.

So when you’re sitting next to each other on your phones, it can look like two people who stopped caring about each other.

But a lot of the time, you are just two people who’re still waiting for things to feel safe again.

1. Moving past a betrayal
2. Reconnecting with a husband who’s pulled away

Just the number is plenty. And if you want to tell me more, I read every reply.

WAYS I CAN HELP

One-on-one coaching: I work with a small number of women at a time. Together we figure out what's driving your husband, what you want, and what you can do that will actually make a difference. Learn more about working with me

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