The right way to "fix" your marriage

If you’re tired of trying to "fix" your marriage, you’re not alone.

I’ve worked with many women running themselves ragged trying to get their husbands to be more understanding, patient, or romantic…

But nothing seems to stick.

Their husband shrugs and says everything's fine. Or he doesn’t follow through on his promises.

So these women start to feel like they’re running a marathon with no finish line.

Which is an exhausting and lonely place to be.

If you can relate to any of this, you might be wondering if there’s anything you can do that will actually make a difference.

There is. But it’s not what most people expect.

Sometimes the most direct way to change your marriage is to stop trying to change it… at least for a little while.

And I don’t mean giving up, or giving your husband the silent treatment.

I mean stepping back from the role of relationship manager…

And turning that energy back toward yourself.

Because this is what often happens.

The more you push your husband to change, the less choice he feels like he has…

Which can make him feel like nothing he does will matter. So he gives up.

But when you stop trying to “fix” things, two things happen:

1. You get space to reconnect with yourself.

2. He stops feeling hopeless.

And that’s when real change becomes possible again. For both of you.

Here’s how to do this.

4 steps to change your marriage without having to fix it yourself

1. Get out of fix-it mode

If something feels off between you and your husband, it’s normal to want to talk about it. But give yourself permission to not start that conversation this week.

You’re not ignoring the issue but rather taking a snapshot of your marriage.

What does your relationship feel like when you’re not pushing for change? What happens when you step back and observe?

This isn’t an easy shift to make when you’re used to taking action. It might help to pretend that you’re a scientist collecting data on a strange and beautiful experiment.

2. Focus on your own well-being

You know all that energy you’ve been pouring into your marriage? Now’s the time to redirect some of it back toward yourself.

What’s something you’ve been craving? More movement, more laughter, or more time with friends?

This is a week to say yes to all of that.

One of my clients had been trying to solve her husband’s problems at work so he would have more time to care for her. But when she stopped trying to solve everything for him, she had more time to go to the gym, see friends, and recharge. 

After this switch, she could appreciate her husband again without feeling responsible for his moods or his schedule.

3. Let the distance exist

When there’s distance between you and your husband, it’s tempting to fill in the space with another date night or counseling session.

But sometimes, letting the distance stay where it is can help you feel more comfortable accepting yourself and your husband as you are now.

I’m not saying you should give up wanting things to change. 

But the more you can feel okay with the way things are now, the easier it’ll be to rekindle your connection.

4. Get perspective on your next steps

A few days of space can help you discover what you need next.

If you’re already feeling more grounded and hopeful, then it might be time to re-engage with your husband. 

And if you feel tired of repeating the same shallow conversations, that could be a clue you’re ready to break out the roommate phase.

The point of this break isn’t to make your husband miss you or somehow manipulate him into doing more for you. 

No, the goal is to help you understand what’s missing from your relationship so you can start making those changes together.

Marriage is a long game.

And even the most loving couples are going to struggle sometimes.

One of the best ways to get a marriage back on track is to take a break from trying to fix it.

So take a few days or a week to check in with yourself and take stock of your relationship.

And then plan your next steps after you’re feeling more focused and refreshed.