When I talk with wives about their marriages, what they're really asking usually comes down to a few questions.

Is this normal? Is this okay?

And most important of all: Can we come back from this?

Because when someone's talking to me, it's usually because things haven't felt right for a while. 

Years in some cases, and sometimes decades.

And their day-to-day is full of things that make them worried they're going to be stuck in a marriage where it's always like this.

Where they can't agree on anything with their husbands.

Every time they try to talk about something that matters, it seems to put more distance between them.

They lose their cool over things that feel like they should be small, like him not texting back quickly. And afterward they feel like maybe they're going crazy, because of how strongly they feel about something so insignificant.

When they do sit down to dinner together, they don't know what to talk about anymore.

And when they're watching TV or sitting right next to each other, they'll actually feel more alone.

After talking with a lot of couples and wives going through things like this, here's what I've learned.

These things happen to every couple at times. 

Even the ones who love each other. 

Even the ones who still feel like they married their soulmate. 

We all go through stretches where we feel some of these things, or maybe all of them and more.

I'm not sharing this to give marriage a bad rap.

I’m actually hoping it’ll be reassuring, because deep down I think we all want to know the same thing. 

Is what I’m going through normal? Is this a healthy way to live?

And I can tell you all of these things are normal. 

I don't know that I'd call them all healthy, but I wouldn't call any of them an emergency either.

They're what happens when two regular people with warts care about each other and get frustrated when they can't understand each other or make decisions together.

There's nothing terrible about any of that. 

And when a couple is going through these things, it usually tells me something else too. 

That they both still care.

A wife who's still struggling to reach her husband is hurting because she still cares for him.

And a husband who's gone quiet and tense and pulls away? That's not what a man looks like when he's fine with how things are. 

A man who's content doesn't shut down at his own dinner table. Usually that's the mark of someone who cares and has no idea what to do about it.

If distance and sadness and pain were a fire, then everything I just described is a sign that both partners are getting burned. 

I've had plenty of my own stretches where I've done these same things. 

And to this day, even with everything I know, my first instinct is still to go to my room and hide how I'm feeling. 

Because there's a part of me that's terrified of letting my wife and my family down. 

The lesson I learned a long time ago was to keep my feelings under control. And when I can't do that, I try to hide them instead.

A lot of men do the same thing.

So when someone asks me, “Is this okay? Can we come back from it?”

The way I think about it is this. 

All that hurt and sadness you're feeling, that's the smoke alarm going off. 

It's telling you something important is happening.

And there are two ways to respond.

One is to take out the batteries. 

That's when you stop asking each other how you're feeling. When you check out.

The other is to try to put the fire out.

And what I've seen as a coach is that when one partner starts putting out the fire, usually the other one sees it and starts learning how to do it too.

That happens even after years and decades of that alarm going off.

That's what I'd tell anyone in the middle of this, wondering if they can come back from it.

The answer is almost always a yes.

These challenges are real. 

But so is the fact that you both still care enough to be hurting over them. 

That kind of care is what brings couples back together.

The couples I worry about are the ones who stopped trying to put out the fire a long time ago.

And that's not you, or else you wouldn't be asking the question in the first place.