Some situations seem like they always pit husbands and wives against each other.

Like when she's packing the suitcases for the family trip. 

She’s folding everyone's clothes, counting out socks, and making sure nobody forgets a toothbrush. 

And the whole time she's wishing her husband would take some of it off her plate.

She knows that if she asked, he'd do it. 

Probably he'd be glad to, and he might even do a good job. 

But that would mean doing it his way. 

Packing fewer jackets, and maybe not enough toiletries. 

So she does it her way, while feeling like she's stuck doing everything on her own again.

This kind of dynamic pops up other times too, with things like the dishwasher and the family budget.

If you've ever caught yourself in a situation like this where you know your husband would help but you don’t want to hand the reins over to him, then here's why it feels so difficult.

The instinct in a moment like this is to figure out who's right: who packs better, whose way makes more sense. 

But that's a trap, because every possible answer puts husband and wife on opposite sides.

And there's important nuance that gets ignored.

Like why each partner wants to do things their way.

She wants to pack the bags a certain way because she wants to have a say in the kind of experience her family has on the trip.

She wants her preferences to matter. Totally fair and reasonable.

And if you cracked open your husband's head, you'd find a similar line of thinking. 

He wants to pack the suitcases because doing things for his family is how he shows he loves them. 

He might not know how to say the words, so he lets his actions speak for him. 

Handling the bags, the route, the tickets so you don’t have to, is his way of saying, "I love you and I want to take care of you."

I’ve had the same thought countless times, and a lot of men I work with say the same thing.

So when a husband tries to help and his wife turns him down, or she redoes it afterward, what he hears is that his contributions aren’t wanted. 

That's why some men eventually stop trying to help.

Now, some men never want to help in the first place. That's a real thing. 

But those husbands look identical to the ones who stopped offering because their help kept getting turned down. 

And a wife can assume her husband is the first kind when he's actually the second.

Meanwhile a lot of husbands are after the same thing as their wives.

He wants to feel like he counts in his family too. 

So when the two of them end up on opposite sides of a suitcase or a dishwasher, they're not really fighting each other. 

They're both trying to feel like they matter to the people they love. 

And they’re stuck treating each other as the thing in the way.

None of this means she should hand over the suitcase and bite her tongue while he forgets the sunscreen. 

Her preferences matter just as much as his. 

And here’s one way to respect both of them.

Instead of arguing over who should get their way, the more useful conversation is how to make sure both of their needs count.

Which is a conversation for when things are calm, because it’s a lot easier to talk about what you need from each other when you’re not reactively pointing fingers at each other.

It might sound something like this:

"I don't want to feel like I'm doing all of this by myself, and I don't think you want to feel shut out of it either. Is that right? Can we figure out what we can both do so we’re not hovering or waiting on each other?”

This isn’t an easy thing to bring up, especially the first few times. 

But talking about it this way puts the two of you on the same side, and there's no way for one partner to win over the other.

The only possible result is deciding how you'll work together.