Say this to your anxious partner

Relationships thrive when partners can accept each other, warts and all. 

But if you have an anxious partner (or you are one), then you know how easily anxiety can threaten the acceptance you feel for each other.

For example, sometimes I’ll ask Sunaina if I can talk to her about something, and I’ll see a wave of fear and anxiety wash over her face, followed by relief when she realizes I’m talking about movie trivia.

“Thank god,” she’ll say. “I was scared you were going to tell me that you’re unhappy with me about something.”

Sometimes we laugh about the leaps Sunaina’s anxiety will take, but anxiety can have a seriously painful impact on a relationship. 

When you feel safe enough to be vulnerable with your partner, you’re inviting more closeness and trust into your relationship.

And anxiety can undermine that connection.

When this happens to us, I’ve started telling Sunaina something that has helped quickly re-establish the feeling of closeness between us.

“I love you more than…”

What I’ve started telling Sunaina comes from author Anjuli Paschall, who suggests using the phrase, “I love you more than…”

Paschall’s mother would tell her this as a child to let her know that she was accepted, regardless of whether she had made a mistake or aced a test. 

This phrase, “I love you more than…” was shorthand for the kind of powerful reassurance – and acceptance – that can be so challenging to offer an anxious child or partner. 

I’ve started to say it to Sunaina when I notice she seems anxious about upsetting or hurting me. 

“I love you more than the luggage we’re struggling to agree on.” 

“I love you more than the coat you often borrow from me.” 

“I love you more than your anxiety.”

Be sensitive and honest with your partner

When you use this phrase with your partner, consider what they’re comfortable talking about.

For example, if your partner is anxious about their weight, you might not want to say, “I love you more than your love handles.”

You could instead say, “I love you more than the numbers on a scale.” Or, “I love you more than the size of your clothes.”  

A couple of other things to keep in mind as you use this phrase. 

One, you should actually feel love and acceptance for your partner before saying this! 

Please don’t mislead or lie to your partner. They will know or find out eventually and that is a whole new set of challenges that you don’t want to deal with.

Two, accepting your partner doesn’t mean you have to approve of everything about them. For example, you might actually want your partner to lose weight!

But if you can love your partner along with their imperfections, then telling them, “I love you more than,” is a powerful way to show your love and acceptance.

How do you think your partner would feel if you used this phrase with them?

Subscribe to our Grow More Joy newsletter to learn more ways to strengthen your relationship.