Do you feel appreciated by your partner?
Does your partner sometimes notice the one thing you didn’t do instead of the 89 things you do for them EVERY DAY?
It hurts, right?
But it’s not like you can ask your partner to appreciate everything you do for them.
Or can you???
Why appreciation matters
Appreciation is one of those needs we keep talking about – the things everyone requires to thrive in life.
Many of us expect to be appreciated by our partners, and it can be painful if we often get ignored or scolded instead.
It’s tempting to complain and compare how much more you do for your partner, but that’ll only make them shut down or start pointing fingers at you.
To actually get more appreciation from your partner, you need to help them understand what you’re going through and explain WHY you’d like more appreciation from them.
So if your partner points out something you didn’t do, you might say, “Hey, I know I didn’t do everything you wanted but it hurts when that’s the only thing you seem to notice. Would you be willing to tell me how much you appreciate the other things I did for you?”
It might feel weird to make an explicit request like this, but it’s often necessary to be crystal clear about how you feel and what you need from your partner.
Your partner might not understand what you need
We often assume that our partners think and feel the same way we do, but that’s not always true.
Your partner’s parents might not have been vocal about showing appreciation, so your partner never got in the habit of showing it either.
Their parents might have even scolded them for showing or asking for thanks – “Good job, you did what you were supposed to,” is something people say when they have judgments around appreciation.
It’s easy to think there’s something wrong with your partner for not showing more appreciation, but there are many possible explanations that don't include them being raised by feral cats.
Make appreciation and gratitude a habit in your relationship
If appreciation is a strong need for you, you can invite your partner to start showing it regularly to each other.
You can say, “I’d like to start showing more thanks in our relationship because appreciation is important to me. I also want to let you know how grateful I am for everything you do.”
As part of this new practice, share at least one or two specific things your partner does that you appreciate (bonus points if you can share why you appreciate it!).
Then invite your partner to show their appreciation for you by saying, “Is there anything that I do that you feel thankful for? It would help me feel appreciated if you could share one or two things.”
You don’t need to do this every day but find what feels good for you and your partner.
Showing appreciation is showing you care for each other
If your partner doesn’t seem interested or doesn’t understand why you want to do this, you can explain why it matters to you. You might say, “I get that this isn’t something that you’re used to or comfortable with, but it would mean a lot to me to know that you see how much I try to help.”
It’s easy for your partner to take offense with this kind of conversation, where the implication is that they haven’t been appreciative enough. You can make your message less threatening by being as clear as possible and focusing on your own experience.
You can say something like, “I’m noticing that this is something I’m wanting more of and I’m hoping that asking you for it will help me feel closer with you. If there’s something I can do to support you more, then I’d like to talk about that too.”
These kinds of conversations can feel awkward and scary because they encourage you and your partner to be vulnerable and share feelings that you might not share often.
But showing appreciation is another way to show how much you care for someone.
And opening up like this can help you and your partner learn a new way to show your feelings for each other, and help you both feel that much closer.
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