How to stop compromising and start getting what you want
Last time we talked about how frequently compromising with your partner can make you resent each other and drive a wedge between you.
If that message felt like we put you on the spot, then this article is for you.
Today we’ll show you a different way to resolve disagreements with your partner so you BOTH get what you want.
We’ll show you how to ditch the frustration and disappointment of feeling like you’re ALWAYS compromising, and instead feel more joy and ease because you'll know how to regularly create win-win scenarios for you and your partner.
We call this approach the “Buried Treasure Method,” and it has three steps.
The Buried Treasure Method
Step 1: Dig for needs
Step 2: Brainstorm strategies to meet your needs
Step 3: Choose a winning strategy
Step 1: Dig for needs
We’re used to looking at disagreements at the surface level – you want a thing and your partner wants a different thing. EVERY DIFFERENCE in what you and your partner wants can become a disagreement.
But all of those surface-level differences are a mirage!
If we dig BELOW what you and your partner want, we can find the needs that you’re both trying to meet. The real “treasure,” if you will.
At this deeper level, it’s almost IMPOSSIBLE to be in disagreement with your partner.
We’ll show what we mean.
Let’s say you and your partner are planning a vacation. You’re both PUMPED for this vacation and are taking time off from work… but you can’t agree on where to go.
You want to stay at an Airbnb at a local beach, but your partner wants to fly to Las Vegas.
On the surface, it looks like you want very different things, but we’re going to dig BELOW the surface to discover the needs buried under each plan.
Needs are things like hope, purpose, and affection, that everyone requires to thrive in life.
Review this needs sheet (by the NYCNVC), then ask yourself, “What needs am I trying to meet with my plan?”
You might think of a single need, or several. Write them all down.
Your partner will ask themselves the same question, “What needs am I trying to meet with my plan?”
In our example, you might discover that beneath your desire for a beach vacation is a need for rest and relaxation, and beneath your partner’s desire for a Las Vegas trip is a need for adventure and stimulation.
These needs tell us how to plan the perfect vacation for you both!
Step 2: Brainstorm strategies to meet your needs
We only need to find a single plan, or strategy, that meets both your needs and your partner’s needs. This way, you and your partner can both get what you want without having to make a single sacrifice.
How about visiting a spa resort in Mexico City? Or planning a staycation at a nearby beach with zip-lining and horseback riding? Or a road trip to a town you’ve both always wanted to visit?
Each of these strategies could potentially meet your need for rest and relaxation AND your partner’s need for adventure and stimulation.
There are literally thousands of ways to meet each need, so the biggest limitation is your imagination.
Step 3: Choose A Winning Strategy
Once you have a list of strategies, choose some that you think will meet your needs. Your partner will do the same. Then you’ll choose a single strategy you both like.
Boom! You’ve just planned a vacation that will give you both exactly what you want!
Stop sacrificing what you want
The Buried Treasure Method can feel awkward when you first try it – especially when you’re used to sacrificing (or fighting for) what you want.
But the more you use it, the easier and more effective it’ll become. Sunaina and I use it all the time with big decisions like where to live and smaller stuff like whether we should split a cookie.
If this is something you want to get better at, make it a practice to look at WHY you want something. What are the buried needs that you’re trying to meet?
As you get more comfortable thinking this way, you’ll notice more ease and trust flowing into your relationship, because you’ll stop fixating on superficial disagreements and instead focus on fulfilling your (and your partner’s) most important needs.
This represents a major shift in how you think, and it can lead to a major shift in how you feel – in your relationship, and in your life.
And if you’re interested in learning how to use this method to stop compromising and start getting more of what you want in YOUR relationship, schedule a free discovery call with Matt.
This is the tip of the iceberg of what we teach couples to feel closer and trust each other more.
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