Every relationship needs self-empathy (and coffee)

I was reminded recently that every relationship needs self-empathy.

Which I know sounds counterintuitive: How can something called self-empathy help your partner???

You’ll see in a minute.

Earlier this week, Suniana couldn’t sleep because she had concerns about sending our daughter back to daycare, and she was worried that I’d be upset because she was second-guessing our plan.

I wasn’t upset, in fact, and we had a rich conversation about what to do next. I patted myself on the back for handling this difficult conversation so calmly.

Then I reached for my keys so I could get a well-deserved coffee.

My keys were gone.

Sunaina, I realized, had taken them accidentally when she left for work.

And THAT’S when I felt all the frustration and anger and sadness that I had expected to feel during our daycare conversation.

I had to sit down for a minute.

My feelings. My coffee. It all felt TOO MUCH at that moment.

Has this happened to you?

You’re working your way through the day and then a minor hiccup brings up ALL THE FEELINGS and your day is ruined. On top of that, you might be pissed at your partner the way I was mad at Sunaina: How could she do this to me??!?? Again??!?!

Self-empathy isn’t in most relationship playbooks (but it should be)

When we’re upset with our partners, most relationship playbooks say we can either 1) Make sure our partners know how mad we are at them by yelling, nagging, or giving the cold shoulder, or 2) Push down our feelings and allow “good vibes only.”

But I didn’t want to be mad at Sunaina, and I didn’t want to pretend like my unpleasant feelings didn’t exist. My coffee!

That’s when I remembered secret option number 3) Practice self-empathy.

The term self-empathy gets tossed around a lot (I’ve mentioned it 50 times already) so it can seem like a vague idea but basically self-empathy is the process of understanding and accepting your own feelings and needs.

Here’s how I used it.

How to practice self-empathy

First, I asked myself, “What was I feeling when I realized that I couldn’t get my keys?” That was easy: frustration, anger, sadness. My coffee!

Next, “What were the needs that I was hoping to meet with my keys?” This was harder to answer. Maybe the ease of doing what I wanted? My coffee?

I thought about it some more. Yes I wanted ease, but an even deeper need was my need for choice. And autonomy. These two needs come up for me often when I find myself experiencing disproportionately intense feelings in response to seemingly small challenges.

I reviewed what I’d learned: I was feeling frustration, anger, and sadness because I was needing more choice and autonomy.

In this context, my intense reaction to the missing keys didn’t seem so unusual or surprising. Of course I’d be upset if I couldn’t satisfy these powerful needs.

Self-empathy makes you a more compassionate partner

After practicing self-empathy, I noticed a change inside me.

I was still frustrated and angry, but the feelings weren’t nearly as intense as before. I also felt more clearheaded, like I’d been holding my breath for a while and I could finally breathe deeply again.

At this point I knew that I could choose to remain angry at Sunaina, or I could continue to give myself empathy.

I chose self-empathy.

I reflected on how the last year has been challenging for me with getting cancer and having to face several health issues. My sense of choice and autonomy has often felt threatened by situations outside my control, so it was only natural that I would feel waves of anger and sadness when I couldn’t satisfy these needs that have been gone unmet so often lately.

I started feeling better. It didn’t hurt that Sunaina also apologized a lot. 🙂

Little by little, I recovered my sense of perspective as well.

Despite what had happened, I still had choice and autonomy in many other ways in my life, and I’d be able to get coffee eventually. Sunaina didn’t steal my keys on purpose to threaten my sense of choice and agency, all while twirling a bad guy mustache and laughing maniacally.

No, Sunaina took my keys without meaning to. She wasn’t the bad guy, and I was going to be OK.

Practicing self-empathy helped me recognize that my partner wasn’t my enemy, and I wasn’t doomed to forever wander the earth without choice or coffee.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I almost felt good again.

Every relationship needs self-empathy

Self-empathy supports relationships in two big ways: 1) It redirects your focus from blaming your partner (or someone else) to exploring how to take care of yourself, and 2) It gives you perspective and can remind you that this challenge isn’t necessarily permanent and likely not intentional.

Can you imagine how differently things would’ve gone if I had yelled at Sunaina or ignored my feelings?

That’s the choice we make ALL THE TIME.

Our lives are filled with an endless stream of small challenges with the potential to tear big rifts in our relationships and well-being.

This is why I suggest practicing self-empathy when you find yourself examining your partner for a bad guy mustache.

Pull out a feelings and needs sheet and ask yourself these two questions: 1) “What was I feeling during this challenge?” Try to list at least 2-3 feelings.

Then ask yourself 2) “What were the needs I was hoping to meet during this challenge?” Again, try to list at least 2-3 needs. Try to dig deep, the way I did.

Afterward, complete this sentence: “I was feeling [blank] because I was needing more [blank].”

Try to sit with what you wrote and notice what comes up for you – not to judge yourself for what you did or didn’t do, but to understand and accept WHY you felt the way you did.

This is one way to practice self-empathy, and it deserves to be in everyone’s relationship playbook.

Do you want more empathy skills?

Before I sign off on this TED talk, think about what your relationship would look like if you could practice self-empathy whenever you wanted to.

How would you feel if you could approach daily challenges with self-empathy and self-compassion?

How would your partner would feel if they weren’t the bad guy every time they made a mistake?

If you’re starting to see the possibilities that empathy skills can open up for your relationship, then consider signing up for 1-on-1 Relationship Coaching to learn these skills with me.

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