How do you know you’re with the right person?
Many people have asked me how I knew I wanted to marry Sunaina.
They’re often surprised to learn that I decided before our first date to NOT look for signs that she was “the right person.”
Instead, I looked for signs that Sunaina was “the person I wanted to be with right now.”
And I believe this approach made it EASIER for me to know when I DID want to marry her.
Before we go any further, I want to acknowledge that dating and marriage isn’t always straightforward. For example, our cultures and customs can sometimes make this experience more complicated and intimidating than it already is.
That being said, many of us put more pressure on our relationships than we have to.
Sure, it would be nice to know with certainty if you’re with the right person. But do you REALLY have to know RIGHT NOW?
In most cases, you don’t.
If you can acknowledge that fact, then you can open yourself up to the joy of getting to know your current partner. Spoiler alert: They’re not perfect. But nobody is!
If you’re too focused on checking off boxes of things you want in a partner, then you might miss all the wonderful things that you *didn’t know* you wanted in a partner.
For example, I thought I’d meet my future spouse at a bookstore. Our fingers would touch as we both reached for the same massive fantasy novel, and we’d instantly know we were meant to be together. Then a cherub would strum a harp.
In reality, there was no fantasy novel (Sunaina doesn’t like them) and no cherubs (although our daughter is very cherub-like now). But as we got to know each other, I learned that Sunaina cares deeply about helping others, she has a sneaky sense of humor, and she is *almost* always willing to watch superhero movies with me.
I didn’t know those things were important to me, but over time I learned how much I admire and love these qualities.
I’m not sure I would’ve valued my relationship with Sunaina the same way if I’d been as focused on deciding if she was “the right person” for me.
So if you keep asking yourself, “Am I with the right person?” I suggest asking yourself a different question: “Do I want to be in this relationship right now?”
If you answer “no” for too many days in a row, then it might be time to have a conversation with your partner about what you want to change. (Does this sound familiar? It’s similar to the life advice I learned from Steve Jobs.)
Some other questions you might want to occasionally ask yourself:
“Am I enjoying myself in this relationship?”
“Am I changing as a person because of this relationship?”
“Do I like who I’m becoming?”
After 1.5 years of answering “yes” to these questions, I knew that I could happily spend the rest of my life with Sunaina. So I proposed and she said “yes.” 🙂
I’m grateful and happy that Sunaina wanted to marry me too, but I also believe that we both would’ve been OK (eventually) if we decided to not stay together.
Because even though I believe Sunaina is “the right person” for me, I believe that there are many other people who could be “the right person” for me. The same is true for Sunaina, and everyone else.
There are so many people in the world that trying to find the only one you think you’re meant to be with can be an overwhelming task.
But if you can open yourself to the joy of getting to know different people, then it’s only a matter of time before you meet someone who can be the “right person” for you, the same way that you might be that person for them.
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