What our toddler taught us about understanding
Sunaina and I understand our toddler most of the time (she’s usually talking about cats or babies). But occasionally we get confused and then BAM – our kid is wailing like a police siren and we’re guessing what she said like it’s the lightning round on Family Feud.
Our daughter is three but if we try to BS her SHE KNOWS and she will not have any of that thank you very much – though she’ll calm down the second we figure out what she was trying to say.
I used to brush off this mildly terrifying experience as a danger of parenthood, but now I see that there’s something bigger going on here.
Toddlers aren’t the only ones who want to be understood
Clearly our toddler craves to be understood. And we’re her parents – the people she trusts and relies on more than anyone – so if we can’t understand her then of course she’s going to feel sad and scared.
Can you relate to our three-year-old?
I bet you can, because this isn’t just a toddler thing. Most of us feel sad, scared, and alone when our partners and the people we care about don’t understand us.
This is especially true when we’re going through a hard time.
Imagine something happens at work, so you turn to your partner for support. How do you think you’d feel if the first thing out of their mouth is a 10-minute speech on what you did wrong or what you need to do next?
You might want this advice – it might be world-class advice! – but oftentimes we FIRST need to be understood.
Toddlers will cry if they’re not understood but (most) adults don’t do that. We’ll say, “Yeah, that’s good advice but…” and then trail off because we don’t realize that deep down we’re also longing to be understood.
How to ask your partner for understanding
So what does it mean to be understood?
Understanding someone – really understanding them – means getting to know them at the deeper level of feelings and needs (we like to use this guide).
When another person sees our feelings and needs, they’re getting a glimpse of who we really are, and this can be an incredibly comforting experience.
Fun fact: You can ask for understanding from your partner!
You can make this request by saying, “Hey, I’ve had a rough time lately. Would you mind listening to me talk about what I’m going through?”
If your partner starts giving advice, offering reassurance, or doing anything else you don't want, you can gently make another request by saying something like, "I see you really want to help me figure this out. Right now, I'd like to be listened to. How does that sound?"
I don't recommend pushing the issue if your partner doesn't want to do it. It hurts to not be understood by someone you care about when that’s what you’re longing for (just ask our toddler), but you can try with your partner another time, or you can reach out to someone else to get the support you need.
And if your partner doesn’t know how to see your feelings and needs in what you’re sharing, you can guess your own feelings and needs while they listen. When you’re done, ask your partner to tell you what they heard you say.
Reaching a place where you feel truly understood can be an iterative process so you might uncover new feelings and needs while talking about what you’re going through. That’s normal! Stop when you feel complete, or keep going until you or your partner runs out of time.
Understanding is a gift
When Sunaina and I finally understand our toddler, it’s like a raging storm above her head clears and everything is again right with the world. That’s how much relief our daughter gets from knowing that the people she cares about understand her.
Most of us feel relief when our partners show that they understand us. We can also feel more connected, which in turn helps us trust and rely on each other during challenging times. These are a few reasons why this is such a powerful relationship skill, and something that I teach in my coaching sessions.
We often long to be understood, even when we don’t realize it, so I hope you consider using this skill the next time that you or your partner feels like crying in frustration.
Offering understanding can take a little practice but it is a wonderful gift to share with our partners (and toddlers).
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