There’s a pattern that shows up in some marriages during big challenges, like when another baby is on the way, or a husband just lost his job.

During this rocky time, the wife often (and understandably) wants to get on the same page.

She wants to understand how her husband is feeling, and how they’re going to get through this challenge together.

She needs to know: Do they have each other’s back?

But when she reaches out to him to find out, he shuts down.

Instead of opening up, he’ll just says he’s fine, or that everything will be okay.

Sometimes he might even say, “I have something on my mind, but I don’t want to tell you.”

And this can feel like he’s slamming the door in her face, right when she needs him most.

Some women in this position start to wonder:

Does he not trust me?

Is he doing this to punish me?

Why would someone not share something this important?

Especially when she knows that she’d be pouring out her heart if the roles were reversed.

While it might not look like it on the outside, this kind of behavior often comes from a husband who is trying to protect himself.

Because many men weren’t raised to talk about their feelings.

They didn’t grow up seeing vulnerability modeled, so when they feel stressed, their reflex is to go quiet or get angry.

They don’t necessarily want to be difficult… but their defense mechanism sure can feel that way.

Because husbands often feel pressure to be “the strong one,” and have all the answers to protect their family.

And if he doesn’t feel prepared to do that, opening up about his feelings can feel like revealing a crack in his armor.

He might also be scared that just starting the conversation can bring up difficult questions that he’s not sure how to answer.

So staying quiet feels safer to him… even as it drives a wedge into the relationship.

This isn’t meant to justify his behavior and say that it’s okay.

But it can explain the reason for his actions.

And reveal ways to respond that can close the gap between you.

In moments like this, many wives feel the urge to sprint toward their husband to lock arms and tackle the hard thing together.

It’s an understandable instinct, but sometimes moving slower is more effective.

Because most big challenges are like marathons.

They’re not going to end quickly.

And trying to rush into position side by side can make some husbands retreat even more.

So what’s the alternative?

Holding the door open to him.

That means inviting him to open up and get on the same page, but without the pressure to open up completely and immediately.

That could sound like:

“I see how hard you’re working to take care of us, and that means a lot. Thank you. I know there’s a lot on your plate, but if you have time in the next day or two, I’d really like to talk about how we’re both feeling about everything. I think it’ll help us remember that I have your back and you have mine.”

Sometimes the conversation that wives want to have will flow from there.

Other times, it might take longer.

That’s one reason why I recommend that a wife in this position look for other kinds of support to stay grounded in the meantime.

Spending time with friends, talking to a therapist, prioritizing rest, or sticking to rituals that bring strength (like Bible study or a fitness routine) are things that have helped people I’ve worked with.

When these two things are combined: 1) Keeping an open door for connection and 2) Building a strong base of support for themselves…

That’s when the pressure on both partners starts to fade.

And there’s more breathing room for both husband and wife to feel grounded and prepared.

So they feel ready to face the future as a team.