When the family car is breaking down, it’s obviously time to do something about it.

But every time she sends her husband a listing for a used car, he finds a problem with it.

It's not a good deal, he says. Or it has too many miles on it, or the color's ugly.

So they end up doing what he wanted all along and they get an expensive new car.

And she has the familiar feeling that what she wants doesn't matter to him.

Because whenever they make decisions together, it always turns into a contest.

Then he usually gets what he wants, and she feels like she was just along for the ride.

If this pattern sounds familiar, the rest of this is for you.

When a husband never seems to compromise or let his wife have a real say in decisions, there's usually something running beneath it that has nothing to do with the decision itself.

This can happen if he grew up in a house where things felt unpredictable and he didn't always feel like people were listening to him. 

He also might have watched one parent make all the decisions while the other never seemed to get a say.

His pushback is rarely about his wife’s specific ideas. 

The real cause is a fear that's been running in him long before they were making decisions together.

In his mind, every decision has a winner and a loser. 

And he knows from experience how much it hurts to be on the losing side.

So even when he wants his wife to be happy, he'll struggle to give up any ground because he's afraid that means giving up what he thinks is best for both of them.

When he's pushing for a new car and shooting down every used option she finds, what he's really doing is protecting what he thinks is the safest choice for his family. 

He's afraid that if he admits that she has any good ideas, they'll end up with a car that breaks down or puts them at risk.

The problem is that she'll come out of the conversation feeling like he doesn't care what she wants. 

And after enough of these conversations, they'll both start to feel like it's impossible to make decisions together.

This dynamic can start shifting when the conversation stops being about who wins and instead focuses on what both partners actually need.

Before starting the conversation, think about the one or two things that matter most to you about the decision, while your husband does the same.

You could say:

"Before we go back and forth on this again, can we each say the one or two things that are most important to us? For me it's making sure we're not spending more than we can afford. What's the thing that matters most to you?"

Now you’re no longer two people defending your positions, and you can start talking about the things you actually need. 

And you both have a way of being heard without having to “win.”

This won't change his tendencies overnight. 

But when decisions stop feeling like contests and start feeling like two people figuring things out together, it changes what it means to get what you want. 

And you’ll feel like what you want matters to him.