Why husbands pull away when they're hurting

Five years ago, I was laid off from my dream job, and I felt like I’d failed my family.

And earlier this year, I spent months recovering from surgery, barely able to get out of bed.

Both times I was always near my wife, but mentally and emotionally, I was miles away.

If your husband has been hurting, you might also feel him pull away…

While you ask yourself, “Is he mad at me?” “Did I do something wrong?” 

Or even, “Is something wrong with him?”

Why he’s pulling away

Here’s the truth I want you to hear: When men push their wives away in moments of deep physical or emotional pain, it’s rarely because they don’t want help. 

It’s because, in that moment, they don’t feel capable of accepting it.

For me, pain hits the “freeze” button. 

My body and brain basically shut down. I have no energy, no motivation, and the last thing I want to do is talk about how bad I feel. 

I’m not trying to punish my wife when I’m stuck in bed. Surviving each moment just feels like all I can manage.

For other men, this might look different. 

Some will work crazy hours, or look for ways to prove that they’re “fine.” Others might refuse all intimacy, or try to take control of the smallest things. 

But underneath, we’re basically following the same GPS signal: Survive this pain.

From the outside, it can look like he’s running away from you. 

But on the inside, he probably feels like there’s only one path leading toward relief.

What you can do

First, try to remember: This isn’t your fault. 

His distance is how he’s coping, and it says little to nothing about you. 

You can’t force him to open up, and pushing too hard may make him pull away even more.

What helped me was my wife letting me know that she was there for me when I was ready. 

There’s an art to making this invitation so he won’t pull away more.

And sometimes I’d still say no because I wasn’t ready. 

But knowing she was there and that I wasn’t driving her away made it easier for me to eventually open up.

And while you’re holding space for your husband, don’t forget about yourself.

Keep doing the things that feed you, like getting enough sleep, eating well, seeing friends, and spending time doing things you love. 

This will help you be patient and supportive for your husband, but more importantly it’s the stuff that you deserve to have in your life regardless of how he’s doing.

I wish I never had to rely on my wife like this. 

Your husband probably wishes the same thing.

But the couple that’s there for each other in their hardest moments has a relationship that can survive anything.