Some wives end up in situations like this that feel backward.

Like when her husband looks at his watch and says, "I guess I'm getting the kids today. I'll just have to skip the gym."

"I can get them," she says.

"No, no," he says back. "I've got it. It's fine."

Then he's out the door and she's not sure why the whole back-and-forth felt weird. 

And it's probably not the first time this has happened.

If this sounds familiar, here's a deeper look at what's going on.

I was talking recently with a husband who said he did a lot of logistical stuff for his family.

Stuff like the meals, kid drop offs and pick ups, and planning for trips.

He said he was happy to do it most of the time, but sometimes he wanted his wife to help more.

But he didn't want to ask her because then, "It won’t mean as much if I have to ask."

That kinda blew my mind.

Because I've heard a similar thing from a lot of wives, though I don't think many people expect a husband to feel the same way.

But it made sense after I thought about it.

Like many wives, this was a guy who had done a ton of inner work.

So on the surface it might seem strange that he couldn't bring himself to ask his wife for help sometimes.

But then I remembered that some men feel like they have to do everything with their own two hands.

That's how he feels in control.

This instinct often develops in childhood, especially if his household was chaotic and he felt like they couldn't rely on anyone.

So he stops expecting help, while still longing for someone to offer it.

And most of the time he looks like someone who's got everything covered.

Because trying to do everything himself is a reflex at this point.

It's the only way he knows how to protect himself from feeling let down.

This reflex might only show up in one or two ways.

He might be fine asking for help with the budget or decisions about the house, but there might be one area, like pick ups, or planning a vacation, where he doesn't want to ask for help.

So when he feels stuck doing that thing, he'll say something passive aggressive: "I guess I'm doing this by myself again."

Because he wants his wife to notice and offer to help, but he wants her to do it before he even reaches for his keys.

So he doesn't have to admit that's what he wants.

He's still afraid of relying on anyone, even her.

When she catches his hint and offers to help, he still turns it down, because accepting it at that point would be admitting that he's relying on her.

All his huffing and puffing is his way of coming as close as he can to asking his wife to be the one person he trusts himself to rely on.

There's no easy way to break this cycle if he's already making a frustrated announcement.

Offering to help will trigger his refusal every time.

What's likely to work better is to start a conversation later, when things are calm.

Instead of diagnosing what he's doing, frame it around wanting to figure it out together.

That might sound like:

"Hey, I feel like the pickup thing keeps coming up and you end up doing it most of the time. I don't want it to feel like you have to do it all on your own. Can we figure out a routine or something that works better for both of us?"

He might not know exactly what kind of help you might be able to offer him. 

That's okay, that's what the conversation is for.

And afterward he'll have more proof that he has a partner he can rely on.

While you might notice there are fewer of those moments where he seems annoyed without a clear reason.

And when they do happen, you'll have a better idea of what's actually causing them.