Knowing this would make a ton of scary conversations feel a lot easier.

I'm talking about times when a wife wants to say something that she knows her husband won't like.

Like she's thinking about not going back to work after maternity leave ends.

Or maybe she wants to start that big kitchen renovation they've been talking about for years.

It's something she's been thinking about for weeks, maybe longer.

Until finally she says something.

And his response is, "Ok……"

She can see his mind turning but nothing else comes out of his mouth, so she makes another attempt.

"That's it?" she asks. "I want to know what you think."

But he doesn't say much more.

So it feels like she's going to have to make this decision on her own while he sulks about it.

Even though all she wants to do is feel like they're figuring things out together.

If this sounds familiar, here's what's actually going on.

Sometimes a husband's first instinct is one that he knows his wife won't like.

Like saying, "That's a bad idea right now."

But he's been in enough of these conversations to know that saying that out loud is going to upset her.

Maybe there've been times where he felt like he ended up "in the doghouse" because he said what was on his mind.

So his second instinct is to clamp down and not say anything.

On the outside it looks like he doesn’t care, or that he's thinking about something else.

But inside his mind he's looking for the right way to respond that allows him to be honest while also respecting his wife's feelings and needs.

That's a tricky thing to do in general.

And it feels even harder when she's looking at him and she seems to be wanting the one answer that he isn't ready to give her.

Every way he can think of responding feels wrong.

So he stays quiet and hopes that waiting a bit longer will help him figure out what to say.

But it usually doesn't.

One of the principles that guides my coaching (and I encourage everyone to follow it too), is that understanding gives choices.

It'd be easy to look at what's going on in his mind and think, "So what? That doesn't change anything."

But here's why it matters to understand what he's thinking.

It’s true that sometimes husbands don’t say anything because they want to avoid the conversation.

But that assumption misses the husbands who’re already having the conversation in their head…

And they’re struggling to find the right way to be honest. 

Understanding the reason for his silence can show that he wants to work with you, but he's not sure how.

A lot of couples think about decisions like this: One person gets what they want and the other one is just along for the ride.

But that's not good enough for most wives I work with.

They don't just want to tell their husband what to do.

They want to have a conversation where they can be honest with each other…

And then make a decision together.

It's really hard to make a decision when it feels like every word has to be the right one.

So it helps to adjust expectations.

That can sound something like:

"I know this is a lot, but we don't have to figure it out right now. Let's take some time and come back to it when we can talk it through. I want to hear what you think, even if we don't agree. I might get frustrated sometimes, but I'd rather get everything out and decide this together instead of having you or me hold something back and then feel bad about our decision later."

You don't have to say it exactly like that.

In fact, it usually works better when you say it in your own words.

But it makes a difference when you can both agree on being honest with each other.

Because right now, he's stuck looking for the perfect answer.

When he doesn’t have that pressure anymore, he can be honest again. 

And that’s what allows you to start making decisions together.