A lot of wives go through something like this.

She's at the dinner table with her husband.

As usual, he's on his phone.

Then she decides to try something different.

"Hey," she says. "I was thinking we might try talking tonight. You know, ask about each other's day?"

He looks up with a confused expression.

And immediately she feels awkward and embarrassed, like she made a mistake.

"Nevermind," she says before he can respond. "Forget I said anything."

He shrugs and goes back to his phone.

Meanwhile she feels disappointed and relieved at the same time.

She wanted to ask for something, but the moment she started to, it felt like she was doing it wrong so she quickly took it back.

If this sounds familiar, there's something about that experience worth knowing.

Most husbands are guessing.

They care what their wife wants. 

But most of the time, they don't have a clear picture of what that is. 

He might hear a request to be more present, or take more initiative, but that can be confusing to him if he's not sure what that’s supposed to look like.

Especially if he’s tried to do something in the past and got it wrong.

I believe that most husbands need to do more for their wives.

In a perfect world, they’d keep asking and trying to get it right without their wife needing to say anything.

But what often happens is they stop trying as much because they start losing hope that they’ll get it right.

So they look for ways to help that make sense to them.

Like working at hard at their job, and making sure the car is gassed up and running well.

But these kinds of things don’t move the needle as much for their wives.

The truth is that asking your partner for help isn’t as easy as it sounds.

And acting on a request isn’t easy either.

It takes a level of vulnerability and understanding that doesn’t come naturally to most of us.

So when she says, "I was thinking we might try talking," that's probably the strongest signal he's heard in a while. 

But if she hesitates, or says, "nevermind,” that muddies the picture.

It’s also tough if he asks, “What do you mean?”

And his wife is frustrated and disappointed that she has to explain.

“So how am I supposed to figure this out?” he thinks.

I've worked with couples who've gone through some version of this. 

The wives feel nervous about telling their husbands what they want. 

They're worried they'll ask in the wrong way, or ask at the wrong time and make him stressed or angry.

So they don’t ask at all, or they wait until they’re so frustrated that they can barely get the words out.

And then I hear from the husbands, who tell me how much they want to know what she wants.

The wives were trying not to rock the boat, but they didn't realize that was exactly what their husbands were waiting for.

What felt like asking for too much to the wives often looked like a gift handed on a silver platter to their husbands.

Here's one way to make asking for what you want feel less daunting and also more effective.

The idea is to say what you're trying to do before you do it.

Something like:

"I want to ask for something, and I'm probably not going to say it perfectly, but I'm going to try anyway."

This gives him a heads up that something is coming, so he's less likely to be confused or caught off guard.

And if it doesn't come out quite right, you can always say, "Let me try that again."

Your first attempt might not lead to the conversation you were hoping for. 

He might be distracted, or he might seem confused about what you're asking for. 

If that happens, it can help to say why it matters to you, like:

"I just want to know what's going on with you. And I want you to know what's going on with me. I think we'll feel closer."

He might not be ready to jump in right away, and he won't always follow through with your request. 

But knowing what you want makes it more likely that he’ll be able to do it for you, even if he doesn’t get it right the first time.

And the next time you bring something up, it won't feel quite as hard as it used to.