Sometimes husbands get quieter than usual and start snapping at little things that never bothered them before.

Things like the fridge getting left open, or the kids singing loudly in their room.

It can feel like he's traded places with a colder, meaner version of himself.

His wife notices something’s changed with him, but she can't quite figure out what.

So she does what almost every relationship book and well-meaning friend says to do…

She tries to get him to talk about it.

Maybe she brings it up over dinner, or she waits until the kids are in bed and asks him how he's really doing.

"I'm fine,” he says. “Everything’s fine. There’s nothing to talk about."

And the more she pushes to find out what's going on with him, the less willing he is to say anything at all.

If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone.

And it hurts.

Because you're not asking him to spill everything that’s on his mind.

You just want him to let you in, just a little. 

Enough to show that he trusts you to be at his side.

Some wives have described it to me like not being able to get enough air. 

It’s somehow like his silence is slowly cutting off the oxygen, and the only way to breathe again is to get him to open up.

And when he refuses, she's left feeling more alone than before she tried to talk about it.

If you've been trying to reach your husband this way, you're not doing anything wrong. 

You're doing exactly what you were told to do.

The problem is that the advice most people give about having more heart-to-heart conversations doesn't take into account how men see those conversations very differently.

Especially when they already feel like they’re crumbling under pressure.

When a husband gets quiet and irritable like this, it's usually because something is dragging him down.

It could be money, or work. 

It could also be something he hasn't fully figured out himself.

And the way a lot of men deal with that kind of weight is to not look at it directly. 

That’s why he keeps busy by watching TV or scrolling on his phone.

Not because he doesn't care, but because looking at the problem directly feels like admitting he doesn't know what he's doing. 

That he's in over his head.

So he distracts himself by building a new house of cards every day. 

Then he tries to keep the whole thing standing until he figures out his next move.

I know this because I've been that husband.

There was a time when I was panicking about keeping an old job.

My wife would try to check in on me, and I didn't want to talk about it. 

I'd get upset when she brought it up.

She was being a kind and loving wife, but I was scared.

And I was too afraid to think about what I was feeling, let alone talk about it.

I wanted her to know that she wasn't causing my frustration and anxiety, but I couldn’t even admit to myself that I was feeling those things.

Sitting down for a big conversation was the last thing I felt like I could do when I was barely holding things together.

And that’s what many men go through when they’re struggling. 

So when his wife asks him to open up and talk about how he's feeling, from where he's standing, she's reaching toward that house of cards he’s fighting so hard to keep standing.

While it might not seem like much, to him that conversation she wants to have means staring at his feelings in the face.

And he's probably not ready for that. Not yet at least.

So he goes quiet, or snaps at little things.

Some part of him probably wants to trust her and face everything together.

But he's scared that if he stops to look at everything he's been holding together, he'll have to admit that he doesn't know how to fix anything.

What actually helps in a moment like this isn't another conversation.

It's releasing some pressure out of the situation.

A short note is a low-pressure way to let him know you're there to listen whenever he's ready.

Something like:

"I know you're dealing with a lot right now. I just want you to know I'm here whenever you feel like talking. I love you."

This doesn't ask anything of him, but it holds the door open.

Which is often the exact thing that a man needs when he’s barely holding himself together. 

He might not realize it right away…

But when he can recognize that his wife is ready to stand at his side regardless of what he’s going through, he’ll start to see that it’s the kind of relief he's been hoping for.

Even when he’s been too afraid to ask for it.