What to do if your husband might be a narcissist

Some wives notice an uncomfortable pattern with their husbands.

They sit down for dinner, ask about his day, and listen as he talks.

And talks.

And talks.

By the end of the meal, he hasn’t asked a single question about her.

And it’s not the first time that’s happened.

So even if she tries to shake it off, a thorny thought starts to creep in: Why doesn’t he seem to care about me?

If any of this feels familiar, then it's natural to be confused.

Because you love your husband and you try to feel close with him.

But sometimes it feels like you're reaching for someone who isn’t really reaching back.

And that can leave you wondering: Why doesn’t he pay attention to me in the same way?

Is something wrong with him?

It’s especially confusing if you’ve noticed other patterns.

Like when you’re obviously hurting, he either ignores it or acts like you're overreacting.

And maybe you can’t remember the last time he offered to help you without being asked.

You might second guess yourself for a while because maybe this is what happens to marriages.

Or maybe you’re just expecting too much from him.

But something still doesn’t feel right.

So you might do what many women do and look for answers.

You google the things he does and the word “narcissist” comes up.

It might feel like it fits, because it’d explain why you have to do so much emotional heavy lifting in your marriage.

And yeah, it can feel validating to get that confirmation.

But for many of the women I work with, the truth is more complicated.

The issue with labels like narcissism

Labeling your husband can feel like a lightbulb moment.

Finally! Here’s an explanation for everything you’ve been going through.

But that label also builds a box.

One that he can get stuck inside… and one that can trap you too.

Because if he’s truly incapable of seeing your point of view, what hope is there for change?

And once that label is in place, almost everything he does can start to feel like confirmation.

Which makes it all but impossible to imagine him being capable of changing.

Maybe right now it’s hard to believe that your husband is capable of doing more for you.

That’s fair.

This probably isn’t something to try when you’re focused on keeping your head above water.

But if you’re not ready to let things stay as they are…

Then here’s a different approach that can help.

I call it the “step out of the box” shift.

The “step out of the box” shift

This is going to take a little bit of work, but it won’t take long.

Start by zeroing in on one painful moment when you felt invisible or alone.

What exactly did your husband do at that moment?

Describe his specific actions, like: We talked about his day for 20 minutes, and he never asked about mine.

Then ask yourself, “What would I have wanted him to do instead?” 

What could have made you feel seen or cared for in that moment?

Maybe it was him asking one or two questions about your day. 

Or just saying, “I want to hear how you’re doing too.”

When you get specific about what’s missing, you can ask for something he can start to understand and know how to do.

Something like: “At dinner, it really helps me feel close when you ask a couple questions about my day too. Would you be open to trying that?”

There are only two answers to the question, “Is he a narcissist?”

And neither one gives you a way to feel closer and more loved.

That’s why it helps to worry less about labels and more about finding the next step to coming back together.

Of course, there’s always a risk your husband won’t respond the way you hope.

But try to think of this as the start of that conversation.

So try it out, and let me know how it goes.