There's a dream that I hear a lot.

It's about a husband who promises to spend more quality time with his wife.

He starts doing things that she likes.

But he's not perfect. He gets busy at work and he doesn't always have time for her.

So he says he's sorry and goes out of his way to ask her, "How can I make it up to you?"

And he shows up one day with flowers and takes her to her favorite restaurant where he already has a reservation.

That's the dream.

Just a regular guy who takes accountability for his actions and takes the initiative to care for his wife.

It doesn't seem like a lot, but it's the opposite of what many wives feel like they're married to…

A husband who's a good guy, but he's often lost in his own world.

So his wife feels like she has to compete for his time.

And when he agrees to make an effort, it'll last for a week or a month.

But eventually something happens and everything goes back to square one.

If you've had a dream (and reality) like this, then I want you to know something.

Not long ago, I was rehabbing a shoulder injury and my physical therapist congratulated me on lifting 5 lbs.

And I brushed it off.

I've never been a big gym guy but 5 lbs was nothing compared to what I used to be able to lift.

But my physical therapist didn't let me get away with it.

"Don't forget where you started," he said.

And he was right. Just a few weeks earlier, I had to take a break after lifting 3 lbs.

We tend to measure things based on where we want to end up:

Like the husband who shows up every day and apologizes when he can't make it.

But real progress is measured from where you started:

The 3 lbs weight.

And the husband who used to never be around, but now makes time to be with you at least once a week.

I'm not saying that husbands should get a free pass or be handed a gold star for taking the smallest steps.

(By the way, I'm talking about the men making some kind of effort, even if it's inconsistent. The guys who are completely checked out are a different conversation.)

In any case, when you both lose track of where you started, his efforts are always going to look like they're not enough.

And that's how husbands end up feeling like they're failing.

Husbands go quiet and pull back when they feel like they're failing.

For most men, shame is one of the hardest feelings to deal with.

In rare cases it can be a motivator, but most of the time it sends men looking for the fire escape.

I know this for a fact because I used to do it too.

To be honest, sometimes I still get the urge to withdraw even after everything I've learned.

Because I'll see the disappointment in my wife's eyes, and it feels like I’m choking on sadness and shame.

Trying to make things right from that place feels impossible.

After all, I’m the source of her pain, so why would she want to talk to me?

Like a lot of men, my instinct is to go off on my own.

It took time to truly understand how much this hurt my wife.

And it left us both feeling deeply alone.

To her, it felt like a punishment. 

Like I was making her pay for wanting more from me.

And on the other side, I was withdrawing to keep myself from falling apart completely.

Accountability doesn't mean not making any mistakes.

It means taking responsibility by not giving up.

That's much easier to do when a couple measures progress from where things started, instead of where you still want to go.

And keeping that perspective helps you and your husband feel like you're actually building something together.