The step many couples skip when they work on their marriage

Sometimes couples go through long stretches where they feel like strangers.

They’re not exactly fighting, but the air between them is chilly.

They both might be working a lot, and she’s also keeping the house from falling apart.

So they’re stuck acting like roommates in the little time they see each other.

When that’s been going on for a while, it’s normal for the wife to hit a point where she wants to feel like partners again.

And the instinct I see from a lot of wives is to start with a big effort.

Have a long relationship talk. List what’s been missing. Make a new plan.

It’s a totally understandable response.

When something’s felt broken for a while, the natural urge is to fix it as fast as possible.

But going from a standstill to a full-on sprint can sometimes backfire.

Because while wives are gearing up to take action, husbands are often focused on getting through the day.

That’s the message men hear their entire lives: Be strong for your family.

So they grind through work, responsibilities, and stress, without necessarily noticing how distant things have become.

Then that first big conversation hits, and it can feel like a tidal wave of criticism.

Why sudden big talks can backfire

That first conversation is often when defensiveness kicks in for a lot of men.

“Why are you making this such a big deal?”

“Everything is fine.”

“You’re blowing things out of proportion.”

And those kinds of responses can hurt, especially for wives hoping that their husband would want to turn things around with her.

For a lot of couples, this becomes the cycle:

She asks for changes, while he digs in and says everything’s “fine.”

And then nothing really happens.

But I’m going to let you in on a big secret.

A lot of men who say those things aren’t saying them because they’re actually satisfied with the way things are.

The truth is that underneath their defensiveness is often fear.

Fear that they’ve been messing up for a long time.

Fear that they’re responsible for their wife’s disappointment.

And fear that they don’t know how to make things better.

Most men aren’t fully aware of these feelings, but they’re still affected by them.

That’s why so many men will instinctively push back instead of listen.

And it’s the same reason why those sudden big relationship talks don’t work so well.

In a husband’s mind, agreeing to take action is like admitting that he’s messed up.

And that’s a hard decision for many men to make, especially when it seemingly comes out of nowhere.

Another way to start making changes

There’s an important step that can make those big conversations easier for men.

Think of a relationship talk like an intense workout.

And a key step before any big workout is to stretch beforehand.

One useful way to “warm up” a marriage before making changes is to use a low-pressure check-in.

I’m talking about something as simple as:

“What’s been on your mind lately?”

“How have you been feeling these past few weeks?”

These kinds of conversations rebuild a sense of familiarity and safety.

They remind couples of something they may have forgotten:

We still belong in each other’s lives.

And we’re still in this together.

That first check-in doesn’t need to be long or deep.

It could be sharing a random story from your day, or remembering a funny vacation memory.

Because the goal isn’t to “fix” everything overnight.

But to help you both remember that you’re still connected.

Which makes the bigger conversations feel less like criticism…

And more like the plans of a couple working together.