A few years ago, a couple was telling me about a “small” problem where she often felt like she had to tell him what to do around the house. 

They both agreed it was a minor thing. 

But as she started to talk about it, his face slowly went blank.

Then he didn’t say another word.

Because there are no “small things” in a marriage. 

Even the most normal, humdrum interaction can have intense emotions attached to it. 

Maybe you’ve noticed this before.

Like how we can tell ourselves that some things “shouldn’t matter,” but then feel like it’s a betrayal when your partner forgets to take out the trash. 

The Gottmans have studied this for decades and they found that it’s the hundreds of small moments (they call them “bids for connection”) that determine if a couple makes it or not. 

Each bid is a request for the other’s attention, and it can be as direct as asking for help with the laundry or as vague as sighing and the other partner asking what’s wrong.

Happy couples respond to each other’s bids 86% of the time while struggling couples reply 33% of the time. 

The good news is that momentum can make reaching a higher percentage feel much, much easier.

Because every time a couple responds to each other, the next time feels easier. 

There’s more trust there, so you expect to have each other’s back.

The first step is usually the hardest, but it only takes a few steps for things to feel completely different. 

Like stepping into AC on a hot day.

And the reverse is how couples drift apart.

It’s rarely just one big fight, or one bad week. 

It’s hundreds of small moments where couples struggle to rely on each other.

So they make fewer and fewer attempts. 

That’s why I say there are no small things in a marriage. 

Every interaction is a window into what’s sturdy in your relationship, and what needs attention.

And what looks like a big problem is usually a pattern that keeps repeating in a hundred small ways.