My wife and I have been trying to talk about our goals for the new year.

It sounds like it should be an exciting conversation.

But it’s been a bit tough this year. 

Part of it is that I’ve been dealing with chronic pain while she’s been adjusting to a new career.

So even though we wanted to travel more, buy a home, and go on more adventures together this last year… we haven’t made much progress.

And if you’ve ever wondered, "What's the point of setting goals with my partner if they don’t happen?”

Well, you’re not the only one.

But here’s why these conversations matter.

When the couples I’ve worked with stop talking about their goals, they stop dreaming about the future.

Then the adventures, fun, and closeness they’re longing for can feel like it’s drifting further away.

And the relationship itself can feel more stressful because it’s almost like there’s less room for anything special to happen.

So how are you supposed to set goals for the future when you’ve struggled to reach goals in the past?

First, it helps to understand why this situation feels painful.

That ache isn’t necessarily a sign that something’s wrong with your marriage or you’re “wanting too much.”

It’s a symptom of seeing the gap between the experiences you want to share and the things you’re actually doing.

Because maybe money’s tight.

Maybe work is crazy busy.

And maybe there’s just one more home renovation project that demands your attention.

When one thing after another keeps happening, it’s normal to believe that nothing will change… even if that’s not actually true.

But there is a way to approach setting goals with your partner that opens the door to feeling excited about the future again.

This is something I’m practicing in my own marriage, and I know some of you are doing this kind of work on your own right now.

First, let disappointment be part of the conversation.

Instead of trying to keep it “positive,” we’ve started to talk more about why things feel hard.

“The last few months have felt hard, because I really hoped we could visit more family and my health issues made that feel impossible.”

Talking honestly about past goals lets off some of the pressure we carry for wanting things to be different.

And it helps make the future feel a little less painful to talk about.

Next, shift the timeline for your goals to be closer.

We still talk about the big goals we’re dreaming of (like visiting India with our daughter someday), but we also ask: “What’s one thing we could do in the next week that would feel exciting?”

Something meaningful to us but smaller than a trip halfway across the globe.

That change makes it easier to remember that it’s okay to still have goals even we haven’t reached some in the past.

Here’s why all of this is worth doing.

Because planning and dreaming together as a couple matters.

Yeah, it gives you actual things to look forward to.

But it also helps you stay connected to what you hope for in your life together.

Which gives you motivation to keep working side by side.

And that’s something worth holding on to, even if it can feel bittersweet sometimes.