Here’s something that husbands tend to do when they’re always putting out fires.
He’ll stagger in the door after a full day solving work problems and family drama.
He’s been so busy that his wife wants to cut loose a little and have some fun.
But he lets out a monster sigh and says, “Sorry, but I’m wiped out. Can we do something another time?”
And she deflates like a balloon.
Because she doesn’t really care about trying out a new restaurant.
But she does care about feeling like the last thing on his to-do list.
He’s throwing himself at work and whatever family crisis pops up that week.
And she gets it. Those are important things.
But why does she always have to come last?
Did he forget about her? Does he not care as much about her?
And when is it her turn to get the best parts of him?
Why busy husbands forget to prioritize their wives
Most husbands who are constantly putting out fires aren’t consciously choosing to put their wives last.
They’re hearing alarm bells all the time, so they’re in emergency mode.
They respond to whatever feels most urgent in the moment.
And if his wife has been holding down the fort while he’s out fighting fires, she quietly drops lower on his list of priorities.
In his mind, he may even think, “She knows I love her. She sees what I’m going through. We’re okay.”
But even the sturdiest marriages need to be prioritized sometimes.
Because a marriage is like a plant.
One big effort can’t keep it going for months and months.
Not even a romantic vacation or an expensive necklace.
Plants and relationships need to be watered consistently.
And when that stops, disappointment and resentment can start to grow.
What can help a wife feel like he’s choosing her
A lot of wives try to fight this need inside themselves.
They recognize the strain he’s under, so they try to act like they don’t need his attention.
But the longer that goes on, the more disappointment builds.
It’s uncomfortable to ask for more from him when he’s already stretched thin.
But this isn’t about competition.
It’s about protecting the relationship.
Instead of asking for hours of time or big romantic gestures, ask for him to show his love through actions.
Small acts like serving you coffee, sharing a long kiss, or installing the car seat so you don’t have to.
These aren’t huge asks.
They’re doable even when he feels stretched thin.
And because they’re simple and specific, he’s more likely to be able to follow through.
The Gottmans call this approach “small things often.”
And here’s how you can ask your husband to start.
You might say:
“I know you have a lot on your plate and I don’t want to overwhelm you. But I want to make sure we’re staying in touch with each other and that our relationship stays sturdy even with everything that’s going on. One thing that would help a lot is if you could do one small, quick thing for me each day. How does that sound?”
Then agree on some things he could do.
You could let him choose what to do each day, or you can agree on a few acts so he has a starting point, such as:
A five-minute hug before the day starts.
Ten minutes of him rubbing your shoulders at night.
He makes your tea and sits with you while you drink it.
He asks one thoughtful question about your day and listens without trying to fix anything.
The Gottmans have a nifty list of things that real couples do for each other.
These small acts of service water your relationship.
And they answer the question, “When is it my turn?”
So you can make it through busy times and still know you’re there for each other.
Because a wife who’s holding down the fort for her busy husband still deserves to be chosen every day.
