The one assumption that makes loving marriages feel lonely

A lot of husbands and wives make marriage harder than it needs to be.

Not because of what they say to each other…

But because of what they don’t say.

(And this is especially true for couples who love each deeply.)

This comes up a lot when the wife is basically running the family. 

She’s making meals, handling the bills, and doing her best octopus impersonation.

Meanwhile, her husband is off in his own world: working, doing hobbies, living his life.

And so she’s thinking, "Why won't he pitch in? Can’t he see that we’re supposed to be doing this together?"

She doesn’t want to ask him for help because she’s already got so much on her to-do list…

And also, he’s supposed to know.

That’s what it means when you love someone. 

You care about how they’re doing, and you find ways to be at their side.

And if he’s not there, that means he doesn’t care enough about her to do those things.

I hear some version of this from a lot of wives I work with. 

There’s this sense of frustration and sadness that they have to do it all alone.

Like their hands are full and they’re carrying all this weight while he gets to just live his life and be free.

The belief that keeps couples apart

Here’s what I want you to know: 

Just because he’s not showing up the way you want… that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

In fact, almost every husband I’ve worked with wants to be a true partner.

But they often make the same assumption their wives do…

That if you really love someone, you shouldn’t have to explain yourself. 

Your partner should just understand what you’re going through and know what you need.

These husbands are thinking, "Why doesn't she get that I'm only doing this because I need to?”

It’s such a common idea, that being in love means you understand each other.

And being a good partner means you shouldn't have to ask for anything, whether it’s for help or for permission.

And so when we do ask, it can feel like a failure. 

Like the bond between us isn’t strong.

But that’s not true. 

Because real partnership isn’t about mind reading.

It’s about having enough trust in each other that we’re willing to ask for what we need.

Most of us don’t grow up with this idea, so it can be hard to wrap your head around. 

A single question to feel more like partners

So here’s one way to bring more of this kind of trust into your marriage.

Ask him:

"Would you be willing to check in with me once per day and ask, 'What’s one thing I can do for you right now?'"

And if you feel up for it, offer to do the same for him. 

But this is important: only offer that if it feels doable.

If you’re running on empty, trying to do more for him can lead to resentment.

It’ll feel like you’re doing too much for him and not getting enough in return.

And by the way, it’s possible that your husband won’t be able to help you exactly the way you want it. 

Still ask what he can do.

It might not seem like much at first, but you build trust every time you help each other this way. 

Because each time it proves that you’ve got each other’s back.

And that’s how you’ll feel like a team again.