The downside of self-regulation nobody talks about

You’ve been doing the work.

Reading books. Listening to podcasts. Practicing how to stay calm when things get hard.

So when your husband hits a nerve, you know what to do.

You breathe. You ground yourself. You keep the peace.

And that feels like a win… because it is.

Self-regulation is a powerful tool to stay calm and avoid blowups.

It’s a skill many people wish they’d learned earlier.

But after a while, you might find yourself wondering:

Why isn’t this changing my marriage more?

Why do I still feel like I’m not getting what I want?

Why does it seem like I’m doing all the emotional work while my husband doesn’t have to do anything?

If you can relate to any of this, here’s a side of self-regulation most people don’t talk about:

When staying calm becomes the primary goal, what you want often gets left out of the equation.

This is why it’s possible to get really good at keeping everything easy and quiet…

As long as you don’t speak up about what matters to you.

And when this happens often, your marriage mostly changes in ways that work for him.

I’m going to call a quick timeout here to say it’s not your fault if this has happened to you.

Many people become experts at self-regulation because they don’t want to fight anymore. (I did this too.)

And most of us have learned that keeping calm is the best way to keep the peace.

But here’s the “downside” to self-regulation.

If that’s all you’re doing and you’re not speaking up about what you really need… how can your relationship move in a direction that includes you?

This is why I teach my clients to do another step after self-regulation that many people don’t know about.

I call it expressive regulation because it’s the practice of staying grounded and speaking your truth.

I’m not talking about shouting your frustrations, or trying to use your emotions to “control” your husband.

It’s calmly and clearly sharing what’s real for you. Like what you care about, what you’re struggling with, and what you need.

And here’s the secret sauce that makes it so effective: Expressing yourself can also be a form of regulation.

Speaking your truth can help you feel more grounded and confident.

Because you’re being honest with yourself, and refusing to be taken for granted.

You’re showing up as an equal... and that’s what makes partnership possible.

I’m not going to lie, these conversations won’t be as “easy” as going with the flow. 

But they’re 100 times more likely to get your husband to understand what you’re going through.

And actually make changes to help you.

If this all sounds vague, I’ve got you covered.

3 real-life examples of going beyond self-regulation in your marriage

1. When he shuts down a conversation you want to have

You bring up how hard it’s been to feel close lately.

He sighs and says, “It’s not that bad. You’re overthinking it,” then turns back to his phone.

You take a deep breath, and instead of letting things slide, you say:

“I’m doing my best to stay calm, but I also feel like I didn’t get a chance to say what’s going on for me. I’d like to keep talking about this and make sense of where we’re at.”

This way, you’re not picking a fight OR backing down.

2. When he backs out of something that matters to you

You’re excited about a fancy dinner your work is hosting so you buy something new to wear. It feels like it’s going to be a special night for the two of you.

But a few hours before the event, he says, “I’m not really up for it. Do we still have to go?”

You’re tempted to say it’s fine… but you know it’s not. So you say:

“I get that you’re tired, but this really matters to me. I want to know that what I care about counts too. What can we do to make it work tonight?”

This is an honest and direct way to put your needs on the same level as his.

3. When you’re always the one to pick up the pieces after a fight

Lately he’s been snapping more, and eventually it leads to a fight.

Then silence.

Normally a few days go by before you try to smooth things over, but this time you say:

“I know you’ve been stressed, and I’ve tried to give you space. But when we don’t talk after a fight, it feels like nothing’s going to change. I don’t want to be the only one who tries to patch things up.”

This is how expressive regulation sounds. Calm honesty that takes responsibility without pointing fingers.

Self-regulation is a crucial step.

But it can’t be the only step.

Because real change only comes when you pair that calm with honesty.

Staying quiet and easygoing can avoid fights… but it won’t give you all the things that go unsaid.

Start speaking up as an equal, and watch your marriage grow around what matters to you.