Many years ago when we were still dating, my wife cut her finger while cooking.

She started to freak out while I calmly stopped the bleeding with gauze.

Years later, she admitted that was one of the first times she really saw me as "husband material."

Because at that moment I answered two important questions: Was I there for her when she was hurting, and did I know how to make her feel better? 

She saw that she could rely on me when she needed help, and that made her think, “This is someone I could depend on for the rest of my life.”

Which is basically what we all want to think about our partners.

This story also explains why so many wives don't feel like they can depend on their husband when they're hurting.

If you've ever watched your husband’s eyes turn glassy when you're freaking out, here's what's likely happening inside him.

Most husbands want to be there for their wives when they're in pain, but they usually don't know how to help when that pain is “emotional.” 

And that's a big reason why he goes blank or shuts down when he sees you cry.

But that isn't the whole story.

Because when a husband sees his wife cry, something in him also gets triggered.

I felt something inside of me shout, "Take action!" when my wife was bleeding in the kitchen.

Then I had gauze in my hand before I knew what I'd done.

That same protective instinct gets triggered when he sees you cry. 

But when he's not sure what to say or do to make the tears stop, that instinct tells him he's already failed.

It's a message he probably picked up a long time ago, when he watched his father or another role model act like it was a husband's job to be strong and protect his family. 

So when he realizes he doesn't know how to act on the pressure building within him, he tries to distance himself from that feeling of helplessness and disappointment.

That's when his eyes go glassy and distant.

He probably won't hear anything you say directly in that “emotional moment” because he's overwhelmed from seeing your pain and feeling ashamed at his own helplessness.

So one way to break this cycle is to talk about it when things are calmer. 

That's when he can actually hear you.

The whole goal of that conversation is to give him one thing to do when he sees you cry. 

That could be to hug you, hold your hand, or sit next to you. 

Anything more involved than that will probably be too much for him to do in the heat of the moment, at least to start.

That conversation might sound like this:

"When I'm upset and crying, I need you to know that I'm not blaming you. It doesn't mean you failed, and I don't need you to fix anything or make me stop crying. I just need you to hold me. Could you do that for me please?"

This is the equivalent of showing him where the gauze is. 

By giving him a clear action, he won't feel so lost the next time you cry.

It won’t turn him into an expert listener overnight, but that’s not the point. 

Now he has one helpful thing he can do instead of “disappearing” into his own sense of helplessness.

And that gives him a better chance to stay with you when you need him most.