For wives who've already worked on themselves and started learning things like emotional regulation, there tends to be one question left.

"Now how do I get my husband to do this?"

The answer doesn't sound that impressive, but it can transform marriages.

And lighten the weight of having to always guess what he's thinking.

Because here's the obstacle that trips up most couples, even some that go to therapy or counseling.

A husband and wife can share the same interaction and walk away with completely different ideas about what happened.

It's like two people watching the same movie and one thinks it's a masterpiece and the other wants their money back.

And all the emotional regulation work in the world doesn't close that gap.

Because self-work changes what you do with your own feelings, but it doesn't tell you what's driving his.

So little things like an offhand comment or a face he makes can still drive a wife crazy.

This is why it's so important to combine self-work with the skill of understanding your partner.

Understanding your partner is like getting an "inside view" of your marriage, and it does a few essential things for wives.

It helps her stop reacting to her biggest fears.

When she can see what's actually driving her husband's behavior, she doesn't have to worry that she's repeating the same painful patterns her mother and father played out between them.

She can also disagree with her husband and still trust that they’re "good."

And the most important thing is that she can finally see who he is and who he's trying to become.

That takes the pressure off of wanting to "keep score" of his mistakes.

Which makes him more willing to be honest and try new things, because he's not as worried about his actions being held against him.

That being said, this “inside view” approach isn't for everyone. 

For wives who are too emotionally spent to try anything new, this probably isn't the place to start. 

But if you've already been working on yourself and you're ready to see changes in your husband too, this is how real progress happens.

Here's an example of what it looks like when a wife can see what’s going on in her husband’s heart and mind.

If he goes silent during a tough conversation, she can see that he’s scared of disappointing her.

So she doesn't have to worry that he doesn't care, or that this is the beginning of the end.

She can respond with the best part of herself.

And he can tell when she's stopped assuming the worst about him.

That gives him room to actually think about how he wants to respond.

Instead of automatically reacting out of frustration or anger, or slipping into defensiveness.

He can respond with the best part of himself too.

Because when you can understand what your husband is actually trying to say, this invites him to open up to you. 

Without you having to push him or demand anything.

Sometimes you fall into step quickly, and other times it takes longer.

But the more you do it, the more in sync you feel.

And disagreements and misunderstandings stop feeling like they rock the foundation of your marriage.

Because understanding your relationship from the inside out means you can see what's actually standing in your way, without having to assume it's your husband.

And the steps you take with this knowledge can give your husband a path to follow.

So you can start working together to build the marriage you both want.