After years or decades of marriage, most couples have gone through their share of rough patches.

And often it’s the wife who holds things together when a marriage feels hard.

But things can change with a lot of care and effort.

The distance closes and there’s more laughter and ease.

Things might not go all the way back to the way they used to be, but they’re better.

And during this time, counseling can seem like the obvious next step. 

But how is a wife supposed to suggest it?

What if the request sends the wrong message and all her husband hears is that things aren’t good enough?

That she’s unhappy. End of story.

For couples who’ve worked hard to reconnect, even the idea of counseling can risk opening old wounds.

And for many men, asking for counseling can sound like code for “you’re the problem.”

They may picture themselves sitting in a room being ganged up on.

Being forced to admit that they’ve been doing things wrong all along.

Even if that’s not the intention, the word “counseling” itself can trigger defensiveness.

Which is why the way it’s brought up (and the way the next step is framed) matters a lot.

Instead of presenting counseling as the clear-cut next step, it can help to suggest it as one of several options (but only if this is actually true).

That small change can open the pressure valve on the conversation.

Because it’s often not the idea of working on the relationship that a husband resists…

It’s the fear of being backed into a corner.

But when both partners feel like they have a say, they’re more likely to stay open.

Even to things that feel intimidating.

Talking about taking another step as a relationship can be tricky.

One good way to start is by celebrating the progress you’ve already made.

This reminds both partners that all their effort is seen and appreciated.

It might seem small, but feeling recognized for the effort it takes to repair a relationship can make it easier to stay open.

This is especially true for husbands, who often carry unspoken fears about not being “enough” for their wives, or feeling like they can never get things right.

Some wives find it helpful to say something like:

“I’ve noticed that you’ve really made an effort to spend more time with me in the evenings. Thank you. I really feel your love for me, and that’s a big reason why I think things have felt so much better lately.

I’d love to keep feeling closer with you. I wonder if it would help to try something new like reading a book or checking out a course together. There are other things like retreats or seeing someone who works with couples, but I’m not set on anything yet. Would you be open to looking at a few ideas together?”

There’s a reason this kind of invitation works better than a straight-up request.

It shifts the focus away from placing blame and toward a shared goal that both partners want, like feeling more connected or having more fun.

And by choosing the next step together, the process itself helps partners feel like they’re making progress.

Because that’s what strong marriages do.

They don’t avoid hard conversations.

They find a way to have them as a team.