Many wives dream about a romantic dinner with their husband.

But when they finally sit down for the real thing, he’s glued to his phone.

And that’s not the only time it happens.

His eyes are on his phone when the kids are trying to tell him about their day.

After work, he’ll scroll in the bathroom for an hour.

And his phone comes out the second they both sit down on the couch.

The wife wants to stay connected, but the phone seems to always get in the way.

He might be on it so often that it gets lonely.

And it can feel like she’s the only one trying to be present.

So even when he’s sitting next to her, she feels alone.

A lot of wives try to fix this by dropping hints: “Did you hear what I said?”

Or even by asking directly: “Can you please put your phone down?”

And sometimes that works.

But then he forgets, or gets annoyed.

Or he says he’s just checking one thing.

And the result is that he’s never off his phone for long.

It’s easy to assume he’s just bored or doesn’t care about being present… but that’s usually not the full story.

Because phones are addictive by design.

They’re built to pull us in.

Especially when we’re tired, stressed, or craving a little escape.

So when a husband reaches for his phone, he might not even be making a conscious choice.

His nervous system says, “I need a break.”

And before his brain can register the thought, his hand is pulling out his phone.

The same thing happens to everyone of course.

But when a husband does it, it can hurt even more when his wife is trying to feel closer, especially when it happens over and over again.

That’s why lasting change takes more than a single request.

It actually takes two things.

In order for someone to make a change, they have to understand why it matters and what they can do about it.

And shaming, nagging, or begging isn’t required to do this.

In fact, when you lead with what you’re wanting more of (instead of what he’s doing wrong) it’s more likely he’ll hear you.

So instead of focusing on the criticism (“You’re always on your phone.”), make the conversation about building the connection that you both want.

It could sound something like:

“I know we’re both tired at the end of the day, but I’d like to spend some time feeling closer. It doesn’t have to be long, but I’d like to have your attention without any phones. Can we come up with a plan together to do that?”

As James Clear says about building new habits, long-lasting changes rarely succeed on willpower alone.

That’s why schedules can be so much more effective. 

Schedules have clear starting and stopping points, so willpower is a smaller part of the equation.

With enough repetitions, it becomes something you just do.

And tying this to other actions (like sitting down for dinner or getting into bed at night) can make putting the phone away feel automatic (and therefore easier).

Try “no phones during dinner,” or “let’s dock them when we get into bed at night.”

So you can use that time to reconnect.

The key to making these changes last is to agree on them together.

It might take some trial and error, but eventually you’ll settle on a new schedule that helps you both be more present with each other.

These conversations can feel scary.

Especially if you’re not used to asking for changes.

But these are the kinds of small efforts that can lead to big changes in how you feel toward each other.

And they don’t have to come from begging or nagging him to put his phone down.

But from inviting him to be on the same team.