A lot of couples end up in a "roommate marriage" by following a logical path.

After all, avoiding fights and complaints sounds like a recipe for a more comfortable, loving relationship.

And in practice it kind of works.

There ARE fewer disagreements and annoying sighs when couples stop asking each other to help with the laundry, or to listen after a tough day.

So they ask for less from each other, because often it's just faster and easier to do things yourself.

After a while, this leads to a house that feels calm and peaceful.

But it's the same kind of ease that comes from two ships passing in the night.

Because they've gotten so used to dancing around anything that might cause friction that they've stopped sharing the hopes and fears that made them feel like they understood each other.

It usually takes months or years for a couple to start feeling like roommates.

And most of the time, it's not some big argument that rips up their relationship.

It's the distance that slowly grows every time they detour away from saying what's really on their mind.

The good news is that couples can close that distance in a fraction of the time it took to get there.

And contrary to what most people think, it doesn't matter if the husband or wife takes the first step.

So here's the first thing I'd recommend couples do in this situation:

Get really, really selfish.

I know that sounds like a big mistake.

It's basically the opposite of what leads to a comfy marriage full of crickets.

And that's pretty much the point.

When couples are so used to being polite, they often have to overcorrect to remember what it feels like to ask for the things they really want.

Like telling him you don't want to feel like the only responsible adult anymore.

Or that you want to feel like you're at the top of his priorities again.

If you're not sure what you’d ask for, think about this:

What could your husband do for you that would change how you feel about him?

Asking him for it directly will almost certainly cause more disagreements.

It's going to feel messy and uncomfortable.

But your relationship will start to thaw, because even small changes can crack the roommate dynamic.

And there are ways to do this so it doesn't feel like finger pointing and wild demands.

I know, because I've helped couples do it.

It's not always obvious, but most husbands want what they do to matter to their wives.

Some will push back at first, because they've been coasting and life felt easier that way.

But when a husband sees how much more he could be appreciated for what he brings to the table, that affects him. And it energizes him.

Once that happens, you can start asking for the things that really matter.

Like him handling things without you having to tell him.

Spending more time with the kids.

Taking more off your plate.

The key to all of this is being selfish about what you need from each other.

It keeps you honest, and that's how you stop feeling like roommates.