How compromises hurt marriages and what to do instead

I get a lot of funny looks when I say that compromises aren’t the answer to a happier marriage.

Because on the surface, sure, compromising with your husband sounds fair.

You want one thing and he wants another, so you meet in the middle.

But here’s the problem: even when compromises “work,” you’re only getting half of what you want.

And most of the time, compromises don’t really work.

Because if you’re trying to keep the peace, then for a lot of the women I work with, that means giving up more than their husband ever realizes.

Like how you both agree to take care of the house, but when he forgets to throw the trash or put away the laundry then it always ends up on your plate.

And if you don’t want to argue all the time then it makes sense to just do it yourself…

But eventually these small sacrifices pile up.

And what you’re left with is a creeping sense of disappointment and unfairness.

Which also affects how you and your husband feel about each other.

Because it's hard to feel close to someone when you’re always making sacrifices for them.

That’s why I teach my clients to ditch compromises as much as possible.

And the best alternative that I’ve found is something I call the Buried Treasure Method.

It’s based on powerful nonviolent communication principles, and I’m not talking about some feel-good happy talk. 

I teach this method to my clients because I’ve seen it work again and again… even in situations that I thought were impossible.

It might take some time to get comfortable with the process, but afterwards you can get results pretty darn fast. 

And the good news is that it’s only three quick steps.

Once you learn how it works, it’ll help you AND your husband stop feeling like you have to make sacrifices for each other.

How to stop sacrificing for your husband with the Buried Treasure Method

Step 1: Dig for needs

Every disagreement starts with two positions: You want X, and he wants Y.

Let’s say you’re fighting over vacation plans and you want a beach trip, while he wants to jet off to Vegas.

This first step is to ask yourselves, “Why do I want this?”

In other words, what needs are you trying to meet? Because EVERYTHING you want is an attempt at meeting a need.

So in this example you think about it and realize that on the surface what you want is to relax on the beach…

And when you dig down for the need (aka the buried treasure) you notice how you’re feeling exhausted and what you really need is to catch up on rest. 

So “rest” is the need you’re wanting to meet.

Meanwhile your husband realizes he wants to go to Vegas because he’s been wanting more fun and excitement.

So already this disagreement has shifted away from “my way or yours” to “what are we both longing for?”

Step 2: Brainstorm strategies to meet your needs

Now that you know your needs, it’s time to brainstorm different ways to meet them.

And instead of being limited to either 1) a beach trip or 2) Vegas, we’ve got a TON more options.

What are some ways to get rest? Write down everything you can think of.

Here are a handful: 

• Sleep in

• Be served breakfast in bed

• Eat out at a restaurant

• Read a book

• Have someone else watch the kids

• Try a new cocktail

Meanwhile your husband brainstorms ways to meet his need for fun and excitement and comes up with his own list that might include:

• Playing poker

• Riding jet skis

• Watching an action movie

• Hiking

• Taking a cooking class

This is my favorite part of the process because now you start to see all the possibilities you both have to feel satisfied. 

They might not all be practical or available right at this moment, but loads of them can be doable with a little planning.

Step 3: Choose a winning strategy together

Now it’s time for you both to choose a strategy together.

And intead of trying to split the difference between what you and your husband want, you’re coming up with something that meets BOTH of your needs.

So what’s a plan that offers both rest and excitement? 

You might agree to stay at a resort spa in Vegas so you can lounge at the pool while he hits the poker tables.

Or you might decide to stay home and visit new restaurants because that feels both restful and exciting to you both.

The key thing here is that you both feel like you’re getting what you want.

Because neither of you has to give up something up to find a solution that honors you both.

It can take a few tries to get the hang of this. 

Especially when you’re used to compromises and negotiations that turn you into opponents.

But stick with the Buried Treasure Method and you’ll start to naturally look for win-win solutions.

Which over time will build up your sense of trust and emotional safety.

To get started, think of a recent disagreement where you felt unsatisfied. 

What do you think the deeper need was for you and your husband? What are some strategies that might have worked for both of you?

And if you’re up for it, hit reply and tell me what you came up with. 

I’d love to hear how you’re using this method and I’ll offer some tips if that’s welcome.