"What can I do for you?"

My wife asked me that a lot when I got the scariest health diagnosis of my life.

And I never had an answer for her. 

I'm sure there were things she could do, but I couldn't think of anything. 

I could barely think at all.

So I scrolled on my phone like it was my job. 

We'd sit near each other but I'd have nothing to say. 

And when she'd try to talk to me about the diagnosis itself, I'd change the subject.

I was so numb that it felt like a different person had taken over my body. 

And I didn't know what that person needed. 

I didn't know how to tell my wife any of that either.

So I spent a lot of time alone, while she took care of our daughter and worried about me.

That was several years ago, but I still think about that time every so often. 

The memory hit me again when I was reading a parenting book called Raising Securely Attached Kids. 

It describes a way of thinking that's summed up in one line: feelings are for sharing. 

It's this idea that emotions become easier to face when we can talk about them and share them with people we trust.

I've followed this philosophy for years, but I forgot it back when I was reeling from my diagnosis. 

Trauma tends to do that. 

It fills our heads with so much pain and fear that there isn't enough room to hold all the things we know we "should" be doing.

And of course a lot of guys never learn this idea in the first place. 

Most men learn the opposite: feelings should be ignored, or kept to yourself. 

That's what a lot of people think it means to be strong.

That's the message I learned growing up too. 

So even though I "knew better," I still defaulted to my oldest instincts when I was hurting. 

And many men share that same instinct. 

It's hard to resist, even when your wife is trying to keep you on your feet.

Some people might read this and think, well, if a husband really loves his wife, he'll want her there with him. 

I can speak from experience when I say that he almost certainly wants her there. 

But wanting her there and being able to let her in are two very different things.

Even health issues that don't seem that serious can summon fears most men don't know how to face. 

Am I whole? 

Will I get better? 

Am I still the man I thought I was? 

We all face these questions eventually, but during a health scare it feels like they come out of nowhere.

If you're going through something like this in your marriage, it can feel like it’s exposing cracks in the foundation of your relationship.

But that instability is part of the adjustment period while it adapts to more pressure.

I remember seeing the tears in my wife's eyes as she tried to talk to me. 

But I felt like we were on different sides of a glass wall. 

I could see her and I wanted to be with her, but I still felt alone.

And I know many men feel the same way.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't want his wife by his side. 

He almost certainly needs you more than ever, even if he doesn't know how to tell you that.

P.S. For anyone whose husband has gone through a health issue, what was that like for you? What did he do, or not do, that made it feel like you couldn't reach him? If you feel up to sharing, I'd really like to know.