When wives approach me about their marriage, a lot of them aren't worried about divorce or infidelity.

They're usually more worried and frustrated that they feel like the only responsible adult in the family.

They want their husband to help more with the house and the kids…

Without triggering a big fight.

I've heard many wives tell me a version of this: "He's there, but he's not really there."

They'll tell me how the kids are climbing up the walls.

Dinner needs to be cooked.

There's a mess on the counter that's been sitting there since yesterday.

And her husband is on the couch and buried in his phone like he doesn't see any of it.

So she handles it.

Because she's brought it up before, many times probably.

But it either led to a fight, or he tried to help but it only lasted a week or two before things slid back to the way they were.

So now she doesn't really try to say anything anymore because she's tired of starting a conversation that doesn't go anywhere.

If any of this sounds familiar, here's what's actually going on with him.

Obviously every situation is different, but from a general perspective most husbands care about supporting their wives.

And even though it looks like he's ignoring the chaos you're juggling, in his mind he thinks he's doing his part.

Because he's going to work every day and bringing home a paycheck.

He's also mowing the lawn, hanging the picture frames, and filling the gas tanks.

And when he's sitting there on the couch, part of him is still thinking about work.

To him, all of that counts just as much as what you're dealing with.

I'm not saying it's fair or equal, but that's what's going on in his mind.

It's like when your husband grabs the grocery list off the fridge.

He goes out of his way to handle all the shopping, but he forgets the milk.

In his head, he's thinking, "Look, I got the groceries."

But you're only thinking about the milk he forgot.

You're both contributing, and yet neither of you feels like things are fair.

Because you still feel like you have to keep track of everything and handle whatever he misses.

And he feels like his effort doesn't count.

Here's the part that's easy to miss: 

He’s not avoiding everything that has to be done. He really thinks he's doing his fair share.

That's why when he hears "You're not doing enough around here," it doesn't sound like a wake-up call to him.

It sounds unfair, even when it's true.

And so he gets defensive when you bring it up, and nothing seems to change.

The conversation that changes things isn't about the milk, or the dishes, or which of you is doing “enough.”

It's about recognizing what you’re each doing for your family.

Because the reason he seems like he's there but not really there is that everything you're juggling is invisible to him.

And the reason it feels like he's hardly doing anything is that everything he's juggling is invisible to you.

So neither of you feels appreciated.

But you can start to change that. 

Ask your husband what he’s been doing: “I know I’ve been busy, but I really want to know what’s going on with you. How are things?”

There’s a good chance that he’ll share things that you didn’t know about, like the pressure he’s been feeling to bring in new clients. 

These are the things running through his head while he’s sitting on the couch.

When you can acknowledge what he’s going through, he stops feeling invisible. 

So he stops worrying about defending himself and now has room to hear what you’re going through.

Then you get to tell him what your days feel like. 

The struggle of making healthy meals that the kids don’t want to eat. 

The feeling like you can never do enough.

Chances are you both can relate to that one.

Honestly, you won't fix everything in one talk. 

But you can stop feeling like two people arguing over who does more. 

And start appreciating how much you both do for your family.

That’s how your husband will start to feel like he’s there with you again. 

Because now you’ll know that you’re in the thick of it together.