A lot of people believe something that makes life so much harder for couples.

I see relationship coaches talk about it on social media, and it's come up in my own coaching sessions.

It's this idea that husbands have to "take the lead" for things to change in a marriage.

He has to "wake up" and start doing more for his wife.

Cook more dinners, ask her about her day.

Take more things off her plate and put them on his.

And only after that will she feel like they're true partners in life.

To be honest, there's some truth to this idea.

Change is easier when he's gung ho about making more of an effort.

But I still want to push back on it.

Because there's a hidden cost when couples buy into thinking this is the only way change happens.

When a wife believes her husband has to take the lead for things to change…

She often puts her own life on hold.

Because her focus is on getting him to take action.

Meaning she's waiting for him to notice what she needs.

Waiting for him to step up and finally do more.

While she's the one running the house and carrying most of the mental load.

Sadly this can last months and years. 

And sometimes decades.

I've seen it happen too many times.

The longer she waits, the bigger the wall grows between them.

After all, he's the one standing between her and the marriage she's been waiting for.

Which is exactly how resentment builds.

Meanwhile he gets more and more defensive because it feels like he can never do enough.

We used to have a car that would always drift to the right.

Over time it became misaligned and the steering kept getting worse.

The same thing happens to relationships.

There doesn't have to be a bad guy or a big climactic fight to throw a marriage off balance.

It often happens slowly.

Usually the husband is focused on the challenges in front of him like his job, his health, and his family.

And he trusts his wife to handle the rest.

Meanwhile she wants to be his rock, so she picks up the slack.

Little by little, she does more for him while he stays in his own lane.

The relationship drifts toward meeting his needs while hers come second.

So from the outside, it looks like he has to make big changes to get things back to being even.

And while that can work, it's not the only way.

Because wives don't have to wait for him to pull the wheel back.

She can start to do it herself.

Many wives assume this happens because her husband doesn't care enough. Or he's too selfish.

And that can be true.

But a lot of the time, it's because he doesn't know how to deal with his own emotions.

So when life gets hard, he pushes his feelings down and focuses on his job and other things that he thinks he can control.

Which means he's going through each day with an anvil of unprocessed emotions on his back.

And making big changes in his marriage feels like carrying that anvil up a mountain.

So he goes quiet or gets defensive when his wife asks more of him.

He probably wants to do more.

But he's stuck too.

Which is part of why waiting for him to go first rarely works.

Most couples try to change things with a big conversation.

The one that tries to get him to take the lead.

She shares what she needs from him, and she asks him to do more for her.

And this almost never works when it's the first move, because it's supposed to be the last one.

Two things have to happen before that big conversation can lead to lasting changes.

The first is seeing the relationship drift for what it is.

Not pointing fingers at anyone, but recognizing that this is a structural thing that's veered off course over time.

This is important because a lot of resentment that wives carry comes from believing that her husband doesn't care about her.

And most of the time that's not true.

The second thing that has to happen is to decide that her needs matter just as much as his.

That she deserves things even when he doesn't agree, and even when life is crazy.

And this is where wives can make the first move without waiting for their husband.

She can make this decision by herself.

When she does this, things often start to change between them.

Because instead of trying to “manage” him better…

She can stop waiting for him to take action.

And that changes how she shows up in their marriage, which often leads to him making changes too.

I won't pretend that it's easy.

For a lot of wives, putting her needs at the same level as her husband's means facing fears that she's carried since childhood.

Is it fair that she has to put in this work instead of letting him take the initiative?

Honestly, no.

But waiting for him to go first is exactly what's been building the wall between them.

And what makes things harder is that she often doesn't know what he's going through.

She can tell that her relationship doesn't feel fair.

She knows how long she's been waiting for him to do more.

But she doesn't have the inside view of what's actually driving him, and whether he's willing to make more of an effort.

Without knowing that, deciding that her needs matter just as much as his can feel like going out on a limb without being sure if it's strong enough to hold her.

One more thing I want to be clear about.

Making changes this way doesn't let him off the hook.

Because he still has to do his part by taking responsibility for his actions, and putting her needs up there with his.

But no matter what social media says, she doesn't have to wait for him to get started.